Touch
by lrigD
Summary: A case brings back memories for JJ, memories she'd tried so hard to forget... Filed under Criminal Minds, but also a crossover with Higher Ground in later chapters. Now complete. R&R!
1. Back

JJ's eyes widened in fear as the man walked towards her, his eyes large with anger

Disclaimer: It isn't mine, it's never been and it'll never be. Just so you know.

This is my second CM fic, but the first with an actual story. It'll get quite dark, so I'll think I'll rate this T. Enjoy! And please, review!

JJ's eyes widened in fear as the man walked towards her, his eyes large with anger. She knew she had to stay composed. And she was.

In a way.

She stayed calm on the outside, but inwardly, she panicked. Where the hell were the others? Shouldn't they have figured by now that the unsub was holding her in the one place he felt safe? She honestly didn't know how long she could continue this. It reminded her of bad things, things she didn't want to be reminded of, and she knew that if she let those thoughts in she'd definitely break.

He was standing in front of her now; looking her up and down with a look she knew all too well, a look she'd seen before in many eyes. She couldn't think back to that now, she had to focus, stay in the moment…

He kneeled in front of her, and she tried to move her arms and legs; anything to keep him away from her, because she knew what he wanted to do. No way was he going to touch her, no way…

But her arms and legs were tied to the posts strongly: she couldn't release herself.

JJ cringed when he touched her cheek with one finger. "We'll see how soft you really are, pussy," he whispered, and he forcefully pulled her legs apart. _Come now_, she begged. _Emily, Morgan, Hotch… come now! I need you! _

But nobody came; she was all alone in this filthy barn, alone with a man who was going to rape her, who was going to destroy her life…

He unzipped her pants and she mentally prepared herself, built up the walls that would get her through this alive, that would make the pain less.

Then the door fell open and she was momentarily blinded by the strong light, but even so she heard the strong voice of Hotch: "Move away from her right now!" "Move it!" Morgan shouted right after that.

He turned around, slowly. He saw their guns, pointed right at him, and a slight grinned came across his face before he pulled his own gun so quickly nobody could act on it. He pointed it at JJ: "Do anything and she'll be dead."

A gunshot cracked the silence that followed after this. JJ slowly turned her head to see Emily, who'd manoeuvred her way behind the unsub.

He had fallen to the floor now, holding his right arm with the other. The blood stain on his upper arm was steadily increasing.

Hotch moved over to him and handcuffed him, ignoring the moans. "Henry Charles, you are under arrest for the abductions, rapes and murders of Joan Jones, Alice Walker and Sarah Donovan. Anything you say…"

While he continued talking, Morgan hurried over to JJ, who was still tied to the posts. He saw that her pants were unzipped and though nothing else seemed to have happened, he was worried. "JJ, are you okay?"

But she continued staring at Charles, incoherent thoughts going through her mind. _He was caught now… It was over. He couldn't hurt her anymore._

"JJ!" She snapped out of her trance when Morgan softly hit her. "JJ, girl, are you alright?"

She nodded, avoiding Morgan's eyes. No sympathy right now, she couldn't deal with it. She just wanted to be left alone. "Can you untie me?"

Morgan nodded and started on the knots. JJ remained still until he had finished, then she quickly stood up. Momentarily dizzy, she stumbled for a bit. Emily immediately rushed to her side. "Come on JJ, I'll get you to the paramedic."

"I don't need one," she said, looking at Emily. "I'm okay, really."

"It's just procedure, JJ," replied Emily. "Just a routine check-up."

"Well, we'll leave it to the paramedic to decide that."

While the paramedic measured her blood pressure, Hotch and Morgan brought out Charles: he'd put up quite a struggle.

JJ watched as they put him in the police car that was already waiting. He disappeared inside, but not before flashing a maddening smile at JJ, who stiffened. She wasn't going to forget this in a long time, and she already knew that the team wasn't going to let her forget it, either.


	2. Chocolate

JJ's eyes widened in fear as the man walked towards her, his eyes large with anger

Chapter 2… I don't really feel like it's much good, but anyway. Why don't you tell me how you feel about it?

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

When they returned to their hotel that night, JJ was feeling a lot better. She wasn't going to let Henry Charles get to her, she couldn't. She had to appear strong in front of her team, even though she wasn't. It was the way their team handled stressful situations: put the emotions away until you can safely get them out again. Only this time, JJ decided, she would try to not get them out at all. Her job had lately consumed most of her time: she didn't spend as much time with anyone as she did with the team. And they couldn't just stop. Murderers, kidnappers, rapists would always be out there, and it was their task to stop them.

As they parked their cars in the underground parking lot, JJ realized she was in desperate need for some chocolate. Unfortunately, she didn't have any.

"Uhm, guys, there's something I have to buy, I'll be right back."

She didn't wait for their responses, but turned around instantly. She knew they were worried about her: they all knew that if they had turned up only a couple of minutes later, things would've been very different: then JJ would be in the hospital now, possibly taking a pregnancy test, or whatever they did after rapes... She wouldn't know, she'd never actually been in the hospital for that.

Caught up in her own thoughts, she didn't hear the footsteps hurrying after her. She nearly jumped when someone laid a hand on her shoulder.

"Hey, relax, it's only me. I'm going with you, if you don't mind. I just really need some chocolate."

JJ smiled wearily: of course, Emily would need chocolate after this case. The woman was the most fervent fan of chocolate JJ knew.

"I was going to get some too, so I guess it's true what they say. Women **are** addicted to chocolate."

She tried to lighten the atmosphere a bit: she was in no mood for questions, curious looks or anything of the sort. Actually, she just wanted to go home, lie on her bed and forget all that had happened. She knew that she never could, though: it had been proven to her often enough.

They walked in silence, Emily apparently catching up on JJ's mood. JJ was glad Emily didn't push. She liked Emily a lot, and if she ever wanted to talk it'd be to her, but that time was not now.

She knew she'd have to talk one time or another: it was normal for a kidnapped agent. They would order a shrink for her, who would first be kind to her, then secretly frustrated that JJ didn't want to share. Essentially, all shrinks were the same.

And really, she didn't need a shrink. She would get over this: she'd gotten over everything else, too. Sometimes it came back to her, but she'd just push it back, and it worked fine this way. Nobody noticed, nobody knew, and everything was good, and that's what JJ wanted.

When they had bought their chocolate, they walked back to the hotel. Emily and JJ were staying in one room, another thing JJ didn't particularly like: she was sure she'd get nightmares, and she didn't want Emily to see her in that state.

Once they were inside their room, Emily could no longer hold herself: "JJ, are you okay?"

She looked at JJ with genuine concern. It was almost painful, but JJ forced herself to look back when she said: "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just going to take a shower. I smell."

Emily didn't laugh at JJ's feeble joke. She knew JJ was not okay, but she couldn't do anything about it if JJ didn't talk."

"Alright, but Hotch wants us downstairs in 20 minutes."

"Sure, see you then."

With that, JJ went into the bathroom. The door didn't have a lock, but then there was nothing to lock herself from. It was only Emily in the room…

In the room, Emily stared at the closed bathroom door, thinking. She really wanted to talk to JJ. She knew something was wrong, something other than what had happened tonight, and she wondered if it had anything to do with Reid's recent slip-up with drugs. Drugs seemed to matter to her, though Emily couldn't possibly think of a reason: there was nothing about drugs in her file.

In fact, there was nothing worrying in her files at all. Emily knew, because she'd looked at everyone's files the second day she worked in the team. She wanted to know who she was dealing with, and some of Hotch's behaviour **was** explained by the file: one of the first things she had noticed about him was the way he sometimes looked at the younger team members: like a father, proudly watching his children.

Inside the bathroom, JJ stared at her reflection in the mirror. This face was what had attracted him in her, what he had liked so much about her. Her face, along with her hair…

She had long since decided she wasn't going to get her hair cut because **he** had liked it. She wouldn't let him take that part of dignity from her.

JJ couldn't shake them off anymore now, the memories of everything came back to her now. She didn't want to … never wanted to see the images, never again. The shame, the emptiness, the loneliness, the betrayal… It was another person, someone entirely different who had experienced all that. Not her, not Jennifer Jareau.

With a sigh, she undressed and slipped under the shower.


	3. Lost

Disclaimer: Still ain't mine

_Disclaimer: Still ain't mine._

_I thought that maybe writing italic would make it clear what the A/N are. I don't know what's wrong, but the first sentences of my A/N always go wrong._

_Anyway…_

_I was so overwhelmed by the reviews! Okay, I got 6, which maybe isn't much in fanfiction-land, I don't know. But before this, I usually received 3 reviews, most of which were like "I loved it!" end of story. Here people write longer, and they use actual suggestions. Thanks a lot for reviewing!_

_Anyway, here's the next chapter… Hope you enjoy. Chapter 4 is on the way, I just need to type it onto the computer…_

_Enjoy!_

_No, no, go away…_ JJ shook her head in an attempt to block the memories and images that now flashed before her eyes like a movie. She didn't want to see them, not ever again…

She started to violently scrub herself, scrub every inch of her, to get the memories away. The pain would force her mind to focus on something else.

She had to get clean, wipe away the scent of him, the feeling of her hands everywhere on her body, touching her, possessing her…

She couldn't do it. She was never going to get clean: he would always remain on her like a curse, making her dirty and unworthy of any other man's attention. She wanted him to go away, leave her once and for all. She was someone else, she wasn't Shelby anymore, she wasn't a victim, she'd never be a victim again. She couldn't, she'd do things wrong again…

No matter how thoroughly she scrubbed, the image of him lingered on her mind. He came into her room: a dark shadow on the light in the hallway, but he shut off the lights: no witnesses allowed for this... He walked towards her, towards her bed, and he sat down on it, the mattress squeaking slightly as he did. "Hello, kitten…"

And he did things, things she never wanted to remember, things she'd try so hard to forget: why did they come back? Why couldn't he leave her alone, why did he have to destroy her life even now?

She had tried so hard to lock that part away, to never let anyone see. They couldn't see, no one could. She was disgusting, impure: he'd made her that way, he'd caused her so much pain she'd done everything to forget her childhood, to only remember the good parts, before he came along… before he destroyed her life, and then Jess's…

She slid down against the wet wall to the ground, no energy left in her, she had no energy left to fight the memories, and she let them wash over her like a wave.

Emily was getting seriously worried now: it had been 30 minutes and there was still no sign of JJ, who was always very punctual. The others were worried, too, but they were unsure what to say. What could they say? They had all figured out that she had lost some of her innocence today, and they didn't know what to do about it: help her, comfort her, or support her silently, let her struggle by herself.

Hotch obviously didn't want to start without JJ, so eventually he asked Emily to go upstairs and see whether everything was alright.

"Maybe she just forgot the time," Reid offered, but the doubt in his voice was clearly audible.

"Maybe, but I'll just go up now and get her," Emily said while standing up. Maybe it was her female intuition, though Emily had never experienced much of it, but she really felt something was wrong with JJ. It wasn't just a profiler's opinion anymore: it was a friend's opinion, and a good one, she hoped.

She opened the door to their room and heard the water run: obviously, JJ was still showering.

Emily walked to the bathroom door and knocked twice before asking: "JJ, are you okay in there?"

She heard nothing but the running water, and it creeped her out.

"JJ?"


	4. Found

_Disclaimer: You know the drill._

_Furthermore: Thanks again for the reviews! I feel so… honoured. Really, maybe you think I am exaggerating but that's how it feels to me. So do continue )._

_**Elisacollette **__– Thanks for your review! I'm not sure if I'll bring back Sophie, Peter and possibly other HG characters, but there'll definitely be references to them. Pretty soon, actually…_

_**SLITH**__ – I don't think I would behave like Emily, either. I would just get in there and hug her to death ). But Emily is different. Emily is a profiler, and -also quite important- quite new to the team. So I don't know how she'd react, really. Also, I haven't seen CM in a while, so my memory might play tricks with me…_

* * *

Emily pushed open the bathroom door. Something was definitely wrong, JJ always answered.

"JJ?" She yanked the shower curtain aside and stopped short at what she saw. JJ sat against the wall, her legs pulled up and her head resting on her knees. She didn't respond at all, and for one frightening second Emily stood paralyzed, thinking of what could be wrong. Then JJ looked up at her and she exhaled.

JJ's eyes were red and dark, and her lips quivered when she whispered hoarsely: "I can't get him off me."

Her voice sounded so defeated Emily wanted to get right up there and give JJ the biggest hug she had to offer, but she knew she had to stay calm now.

JJ rested her head on her knees again. Emily stood still for a moment, then reached and turned off the water.

"JJ, listen to me," she said softly. Seeing JJ like this was entirely new to her and slightly frightening, but Emily had to help her.

"We're going to get you dry and put some clothes on, okay?"

JJ nodded and started getting up: Emily supported her. She could see that JJ was already distancing herself, putting up the walls again.

Therefore she wasn't surprised when JJ looked at Emily and said, while drying herself off with a towel: "I'm sorry, Em, I'm tired and I kind of fell asleep in the shower. What did Hotch have to say?"

Emily quickly thought of how to react: believe her, or pretend to, anyway, or ask her what was really going on. Her curiosity made her want to go with the second option, but one look at JJ's face changed that. JJ needed the pretence right now: they'd get to talk another time.

"I don't know, he hasn't told yet."

JJ nodded again. "Uhm, could I perhaps get some sleep now, and you can tell me whatever he had to say tomorrow? I'm really exhausted and tomorrow I'll have to hold a press conference, I need my energy for that.

Emily agreed, it was a pretty good excuse. "Yeah, sure, I'll tell them." She watched JJ closely when she said this and she saw that JJ wanted to add something, something along the lines of 'don't tell them what happened in the shower.' But she didn't, and Emily made her way to the door.

In the doorway, she turned around. "And JJ?"

JJ turned around, too, and said, rather nervously: "Yeah?"

"I'll be there when you wake up."

Before JJ could protest, Emily walked out the door. She didn't know how else to express her silent support.

_I have no idea what a hotel bathroom looks like, so I just used my imagination. )._

_Also, I know Emily would maybe not react like this. But I like to think that Emily thinks JJ will open up when she wants/needs to, and that pushing her will only cause her to close up again._


	5. News and Thoughts

_Disclaimer: Ah, you know. Why don't you look at previous chapters for that?_

_This chapter is much longer than the others, and I'm afraid also less good. I'm having these weird feelings while writing now, and I don't know if they are a good or a bad influence._

_I promise you will find out more soon, but first I have to make the situation clear. Also, I want to make Emily's feelings clearer. I hope I did._

_Anyway, enjoy!_

* * *

Everyone looked up as Emily entered the lobby.

"Where is she?" Morgan asked, looking behind her. Emily carefully closed the door before she said: "She was really tired, she's gone to bed now."

Hotch frowned, but decided to let it go for now. He had more pressing matters.

Emily sat down in a comfortably chair: she would go up soon, right after she'd heard whatever Hotch was going to say. He made her curious, because even for his standards, he looked quite preoccupied.

He cleared his throat and everybody looked at him expectantly.

"Since Gideon left, I have been searching for someone to take his place in the team. We do need another SSA. Before yesterday I was unsuccessful, but then the Chief Director called. He is an agent in early retirement, but he has agreed on going back for a while."

"What's his name?" Reid asked, always curious to know if it was someone he'd heard of.

"SSA David Rossi," Hotch answered, and Reid shot up. "David Rossi? The man who has solved the Scarsdale Skinner case based on psycho-linguistics? That David Rossi? The man has such an interesting perspective on the subject of how the handwriting of a person can affect his or her general beha-"

"Reid, relax, he isn't here yet," said Morgan. Emily had to stifle a laugh: it was entertaining to see Reid's enthusiastic behaviour in the prospect of meeting someone interesting.

"He will meet us when we get back to Quantico. The plane leaves at 11 in the morning, so make sure you are there. Tonight is free."

Morgan clapped Reid on the back. "What do you say you and I go clubbing for a bit?" He laughed at Reid's expression. "Don't worry, kiddo, I'm only kidding." He looked around. "Is anyone joining me? Prentiss? Hotch?"

Emily shook her head. "I'm going to stay with JJ tonight, sorry."

But Hotch looked up and said: "Sure Morgan, why not."

Emily frowned at this unexpected side of Hotch, but decided to let it slip. The man probably needed to unwind, too.

After saying goodbye to the others, she went up to her room to find JJ fast asleep. She looked at her for a moment – JJ seemed so peaceful right now, without any worries. But Emily knew it was only a façade: JJ was probably not having such peaceful dreams.

She unwrapped her chocolate bar and took a bite: ah, how she had missed that bitter-sweet taste!

Eating her chocolate, she sat down in a comfortable chair and started thinking about JJ. She thought that was a more pressing matter than the news she had just received - she would worry about Rossi when that time came. Right now, JJ was her priority.

Something was definitely wrong, but Emily couldn't figure out what – it was more than the case.

It may have reminded her of something, something that happened which was similar to the hostage situation. Maybe JJ had been kidnapped before? But that didn't make sense, because then JJ would have reacted much more panicked, despite her FBI training. Besides, it would have been in her file, and it wasn't.

It was a possibility that it had reminded her of Tobias Hankel – she knew that he still spooked around in JJ's head, as well as Reid's. And while Reid had taken drugs as an escape, JJ hadn't escaped at all, not in a way that Emily knew of anyway. It had looked like JJ had just tried to forget it as soon as possible, and she appeared to have been quite lucky with that. But Emily knew that unfinished business always came back to plague: she had experienced that for herself more than once. Maybe this had been the time for JJ, although Emily didn't think this was the case. She couldn't explain why she thought so, but she did, and she was relying on it.

She thought it more likely that something happened in JJ's past. Combined with the comment she had made in the shower, it seemed likely that JJ was maybe beaten up, or…

But that couldn't have happened to JJ, could it? Nothing in her file said so, and JJ was innocent, unscarred, or at least less scarred than the rest of them. She couldn't have been abused, could she?

Emily hoped not, also because otherwise she had made a large mistake in her profiling. She told herself that she wasn't profiling, that she was helping a friend, but essentially it was the same: studying JJ's behaviour to see if anything strange was going on there.

She couldn't involve anyone else in her suspicions, though she would have liked to know if Garcia could find anything – this was JJ's business, and no matter how much Emily wanted to help her, she also knew that JJ wouldn't open up until she absolutely had to. She had noticed that quite early on: JJ only shared when she wanted to share, and what she wanted to share. She easily avoided any questions she didn't want to answer, and she had been doing that again today – but tomorrow, Emily decided, tomorrow she wasn't going to let her.

* * *

_I'm a chocolate fan, hence the part where Emily takes her chocolate. How I long for a piece of that substance at the moment…_


	6. Dreams

_Disclaimer: Not mine, yada yada._

_Since I couldn't respond to all the lovely reviews I've gotten, I'll do it here._

_SLITH - Lol, I'd probably not even turn the water off. But then again, Emily is not me, and I can't go describe myself in a person who is supposed to be someone else.  
I know I just postponing the big story moment. I just don't know yet how I will do it - I don't see JJ as the type who initially tells, rather that she lets something slip or someone else finds out. _

_This chapter has taken me longest to write, and I am still not satisfied with it - There are some parts I like, but mostly I think it's crap. I'll take some time off now and use it to re-read my story: that ought to get me back into the groove.  
The next chapter will probably take me a lot longer though, because I planned things out until chapter 6 and after that I just have some loose ideas. However, if things go the way I planned them now, a HG character will be involved! Yay! And no, I'm not saying who.___

Oh, and btw - any spelling mistakes... I am not English, and I am having a holiday right now. Though I use English for about 80 of the time I spend on the internet, it's not perfect and it'll probably never be. So. Just so you know.

Now, on to the story - finally!

* * *

Still sitting comfortably in the chair, Emily slowly drifted away to sleep.

Her dreams were confusing: she was high up in the air, flying, it seemed, and when she looked down she saw a man chasing a dark figure. He came closer to the figure, and then he reached it, pushing it down. Then he looked up and laughed menacingly, and Emily could see the man's face. It was an eagle's head, with a large beak and greedy eyes.

The eagleman took off, she flew with him and they landed in a field full of flowers. Suddenly, he was gone and Emily's parents appeared: they were dancing and singing and Emily joined them. She felt so light: carefree and happy, as if nothing could ever go wrong again…

Then her parents fell and disappeared from sights. Emily ran towards the place where her parents had just been and saw a huge hole, and before she could help it she was falling, too…

She landed in a ghost town: she recognized it from a place she and her team had driven through, on their way to a case. It was desolate, yet light: Emily closed her eyes to block out the bright sun. She looked around to see if anyone else was there, when…

JJ screamed in fear. Emily woke up immediately and saw JJ entangled in her blankets, moving her arms and legs so that she only got more caught. Emily hurried over to her side and carefully touched JJ's forehead.

"JJ, it's Emily. Shh, you're having a nightmare, it's okay now, I'm here." She sat down on the bed and grabbed JJ's hand, but JJ released herself forcefully.

"NO! Don't touch me! Don't touch me ever again!"

"JJ, you're having a nightmare, but it's okay, you're safe here…"

"Peter, Sophie, help! Don't send me back!"

"Nobody is sending you anywhere, JJ! Wake up!" JJ was scaring Emily, who had never seen her in such a state. Her hair was sticking up and she was sweating, but she appeared to still be asleep – she had her eyes closed and her eye balls were moving rapidly under her eyelids.

"No, you promised… Jess… How could you do this?"

Emily shook JJ's shoulders. "JJ! Come on honey, wake up!"

"I'm sorry…" JJ whispered, and Emily was taken aback by the sudden change of emotion. "I couldn't… I can't anymore…" Tears were streaking down her face now, and Emily knew she'd have to wake up very soon, or very bad things were going to happen.

She shook JJ's shoulders again. "JJ, wake up, it's only a dream!"

JJ made a sudden movement and hit Emily on her cheek. She yelped in pain and JJ finally woke up, looking around in bewilderment. "… Emily?"

"Yes," Emily said, rubbing the place where JJ had hit her. "Next time, can you wake up without hitting anyone?"

"What?" JJ asked foggily, and Emily felt sorry for her. "What do you mean? What happened?"

"You had a nightmare, I tried to wake you up and you hit me," Emily explained.

"Oh, I'm sorry," JJ apologized rather vaguely, as she moved her hand up to her face to wipe away the tears. "I was just dreaming about Hankel and then he changed into Charles and he tried to…" She looked away and blinked.

"JJ." Emily tried to talk simply to calm JJ down: despite her calmer behaviour, Emily had seen the fear and pain in JJ's eyes before she had turned away.

"Hmm?" JJ replied, still looking out of the dark window.

"JJ, look at me."

JJ turned around slowly until the faced Emily, who saw that in those few moments JJ had managed to control herself again: her eyes were emotionless, if a bit tired, and she was on her guard again.

Emily mentally drew a deep breath. "Listen, I know something has happened. And I know you don't want to talk about it. But someday you're going to have to, not only because it's eating you up inside but also because it affects you professionally."

JJ looked surprised and Emily could see a bit of the fear coming back, but she quickly dismissed it when she said: "I'm fine, really. The case just got to me, that's all."

"Really? That's it?" Emily knew she shouldn't resolve to sarcastic behaviour, but she started to become somewhat irritated by JJ's hiding – however, she tried not to show it too much, as she still wanted to help her. "JJ, who are Peter, Sophie and Jess?"

JJ's eyes grew large at the mention of the names. "What? How –" She quickly corrected herself. "They're just some people I know. Friends. Why?"

"You said their names when you were having that nightmare. You asked Peter and Sophie to help and to not send you back."

JJ made an attempt to chuckle, though it wasn't convincing in the least. "Really? They were just standing there in my dream, and I wanted them to do something." She became somewhat nervous again. "Uhm, what else did I say?"

"Nothing much," Emily said, deciding she'd throw the rest at JJ some other time. "Listen, whatever it is – it's hurting you. I know it's a cliché, but talking really does help. I'll help, whenever you are ready to be helped. Do you understand me?"

"What do you know about talking? It never helps!" JJ's voice had grown considerably, she was practically shouting now, and Emily was at a loss as to what to do. What has she done wrong?

"I'm sorry, but please, just leave me alone," JJ said, a little softer. "I just need some time to think."


	7. A New Case

_Chapter 7. Once again, I'd like to thank everyone for their lovely interviews, and once again I'd also like to say that I don't own anything. _

_This chapter and/or the next one may be quite boring, but they're necessary for the story. I can't say anything more than that._

_Have fun, and tell me what you think!_

_Oh, and I let Garcia in for a bit, because I was thinking she doesn't get enough "screen" time in here. All the fics stress that she's a good friend of JJ, and though I haven't watched CM in a while I seem to remember something similar. Her part will probably not get much bigger than that, so to all the Garcia fans out there: enjoy it even more! xD_

* * *

It had been a week since JJ had been abducted, and she found she had made some good progress. She wasn't dreaming about Charles anymore. She had other dreams, but at least they didn't have anything to do with the recent case anymore. In her eyes, it was an improvement.

The team often looked at her with a mix of worry and interest, but she never reacted to it. Opening up to them would be even harder than opening up to anyone else. Besides, she didn't want to be the one to tell them. She thought she wouldn't be able to endure all the looks she'd get from a team of people she spent most of her life with.

Emily, on the other hand, was an entirely different story. JJ trusted her, but she had trusted her mother, too – and look what had come from that.

She was thankful for Emily's support though – the knowledge that someone was there for her comforted her, even though she knew she could never tell her. But the simple thought of someone caring was enough to sooth JJ back to sleep sometimes.

Their relationship had been refrained when they had gotten back – Emily was obviously hurt by the end of their last conversation, and JJ didn't know how to apologize without having to explain.

Thankfully, Garcia, being the person she was, had noticed the tension between the two agents and had invited them both over for a movie night. They hadn't talked about what happened, but chatted about men, food and love: a typical girl's night out. Things had become rather serious when Garcia had started talking about her parents, but it had been a good kind of serious.

The sound of her phone ringing brought her back to reality. "Agent Jareau," she said, picking up the phone.

"Detective Milano here, Detroit PD. Am I speaking with the BAU liaison?" A male voice said at the other end of the line.

"Yes, you are. How can I help you?" JJ asked politely, already knowing how the BAU would be able to help. They would have to go out in the field again.

"Somebody is killing people."

JJ almost rolled her eyes at this obvious news. "Could you give me some details, sir?"

"Seven victims so far, varying in age, race, sex and social status. The only thing they have in common is how they died: first they were suffocated, then their throats were slashed." He sounded like he was reading from a file, and maybe he was. But then, emotional distance was a good thing to keep in this line of work.

JJ decided that seven victims were too much to ignore. "If you could send over the victim's details, I will present the case to my team and we will come over in a few days."

"Please hurry." Detective Milano sounded quite desperate. "I'm not looking forward to telling more families a loved one has died."

"I will do what I can," JJ answered, almost automatically, and she put down the phone.

When the details of the case had arrived, she walked out of her office into the bullpen.

"Hey guys, we have another case, conference room in 10 minutes." Without waiting for an answer, she walked on, trying to locate Hotch and the newly assigned Rossi. She had met him only briefly, and he hadn't disappointed her. _Maybe_, she thought, _we'll get to know him a bit now._

When everyone was in the conference room, she immediately started off.

"Seven victims so far, with no obvious connection: both men and women, varying in age, race and social status. The first victim, Rosa Denzel-" she pointed at the screen, where the image of a dead woman had appeared, "-was found two weeks ago in the woods surrounding Detroit. She was suffocated and her throat was slashed. That is all the victims have in common: the way there were killed. DPD requests our help on this matter, because everything they've tried so far hasn't worked."

She looked around the room and already knew they would be going to Detroit soon.

"Who was his last victim?" Morgan asked JJ. JJ clicked again and a man, half buried under sand, appeared on the screen. "An unidentified black male, found yesterday: police suspects he was homeless. They have been around to ask if anyone has seen him, but so far with no results."

Reid was the next one to ask a question: "How much time between the murders?"

"The second victim, Johan deBoer, was found four days after Rosa Denzel. After that, the time frame has become irregular: sometimes four days, sometimes only a day between the murders."

"He is devolving," Emily muttered, and Rossi nodded his head in agreement.

"We'll take it; wheels up in 30 minutes," Hotch told everyone, and they all left.

JJ headed back to her office to pack her stuff, though there wasn't much need to: she always had a suitcase prepared. But she wanted to bring something to distract with her.

While she was wondering whether to take the book she'd been reading with her, somebody knocked on her door. She spun around to see Hotch. "Hey, Hotch. What can I do for you?" she asked nonchalantly, trying to shake off the uneasy feeling.

"JJ, you don't have to join in on this one. If you want to stay here…" Hotch looked slightly uncomfortable saying this.

"No, I'll come. I'm fine, really," JJ said, looking at her boss confidently. "Besides, I've always wanted to visit Detroit." That was true – something in the city had always attracted her. "I just wished it was under different circumstances." She chuckled and so did he: "Well, if you're sure… See you on the plane." And with that, he left.

JJ sighed, relieved. In truth, she was conflicted: she would have to stay with Emily in one room again, and she knew her nightmares weren't over. On the other hand, getting away from this place might be exactly what she needed. No matter how horrible it sounded, everyone would have something else to focus on instead of her.


	8. Detroit

_Once again, thanks for the reviews. You guys make me continue. _

_Another -probably pretty boring- chapter, but I assure you, it is necessary. Besides, only talking about JJ would make it even less realistic than it already is..._

_And I own nothing - if I did, I wouldn't be living here. I just combined two TV shows and used my own words to describe them..._

* * *

On the plane, the team went over some details. JJ, not being able to contribute much since she wasn't a profiler, listened, but didn't say much.

When the plane landed, she knew that the unsub was likely a male in his forties, judging by his first murder – Rosa Denzel had been 42. He was highly organized, because he left no evidence. He was also intelligent, because he had managed to avoid getting caught in seven cases.

His MO suggested he felt powerless, for he first suffocated before killing: his victims were already still, thus making it easier for him to end their lives. He wanted to avoid panic because it could make people hear him, but also because, the team suspected, he physically wasn't strong enough to fight and win. By suffocating, he made sure he still had control over his victims.

What they didn't know, was how he lured his victims: the lack of defensive wounds suggested the victims hadn't expected him to do anything. They were overtaken by surprise and suffocated before they had the time to react.

It was a hot day in Detroit. JJ was glad she had put on a t-shirt: she saw Reid struggle with the heat under his jumper.

No one had been available to pick them up from the airport, and it wasn't needed: the police station was quite close to the airport. They decided to take the bus. JJ was seated next to Rossi: being used to his taciturn behaviour, she kept silent. She stared out of the window and when Rossi started talking, she assumed it was to someone else. Rossi had never had a good conversation with her, so she was quite surprised when he mentioned her name.

"JJ, are you even listening?"

She quickly turned around and felt her face growing red. "Yes, I'm sorry sir, I thought you were talking to someone else."

He chuckled, something JJ hadn't seen before: it was a new, but altogether not a bad sight. "You were far away: what were you thinking of?"

"The… the case, sir," she lied. In truth, she had been thinking about the coming night: how was she going to sleep well? Maybe she could take some sleeping pills…

"Hmm. Well, I was saying that I still don't really know what your function within this team is."

JJ blinked. This wasn't what she had expected: she thought he had wanted to say something about the case.

"I am the team's liaison between the media and the local police departments," she answered smoothly, a sentence she'd said many times before.

"So you decide which cases we take?"

JJ cringed. This was a less happy side of her job: every day, she wondered whether she had picked the right case.

"I do," she said, trying not to show that insecurity. "The police calls me for help, and I decide whether we will provide them with that help or not."

"What happens with the cases we don't take?" Rossi asked, watching her closely. JJ noticed he said 'we' rather than 'you'. He didn't want her to feel responsible. That was sweet of him, and she appreciated him for it.

"I send them through to another unit of profilers or psychologically skilled agents, and they usually take the case," she said.

Rossi nodded, and looked out of the window. She assumed this meant the conversation was over, and let her mind drift off again.

Just as they were about to enter the police station, a man in his late thirties walked up to them. "You the BAU?" he asked hurriedly. When Hotch confirmed this, he relaxed visibly and said: "I'm Alejandro Milano, the lead detective on the case."

JJ stepped forward. "I'm Jennifer Jareau, we spoke on the phone." Then she presented the other team members to him, like she always did: "These are agents Hotchner, Rossi, Morgan, Reid and Prentiss."

Detective Milano nodded and pointed at the office. "Let's go inside, I've got everything set up there."

Inside, an entire room was devoted to the case: pictures and personal details of the seven victims hung on boards and a large screen hung on the other side. In the middle stood a table, on which Milano sat.

"I don't have much time now, because I've got a meeting soon. All I can say is that I am glad you could come. We honestly don't know what to do anymore."

He stood up and paced up down, while continuing to talk: "All the physical evidence, though it's not much, you can see on the board here, as well as the victim's personal details. Hannah will come down soon and tell you what she has gathered about him emotionally. She's kind of our own profiler," he chuckled, and for a moment his features softened, "but she's got her hands full." With that he left, leaving the door open.

Reid moved closer to the board to watch the victims, as did Hotch and Prentiss. JJ went to get some water and was accompanied by Morgan, who said softly: "Strange man, isn't he?" JJ knew what he was talking about. Detective Milano looked like he worked on a movie set, but had lost the way to it: sunglasses, short, black hair, gun clearly visible in its holster. He seemed trustworthy and capable of the job, though, and that was what really mattered.

* * *

_'Psychologically skilled agents', lol. I was thinking of Megan of Numb3rs when I made up that word :)_

_My analysis of the unsub - any good? I made it up, combining some things I've heard before, but I have no idea whether it's anywhere close to the truth..._


	9. Confusion

_The next chapter, and I promise it'll get more interesting now. I'm surprised not more people have caught onto it._

_Oh, and I got some comments about the use of the word 'suffocate'. Translated in my language, suffocate doesn't necessarily mean kill. So in this story, the unsub suffocates his victims until they lose consciousness, so that they won't fight anymore._

_And now, onto the story..._

* * *

They waited for a while in the 'case-room', as JJ had begun to call it. Reid was still observing the victims closely, while Morgan, Hotch and Rossi were now studying their personal details.

Emily wandered around, a little lost, until finally she moved over to JJ. "Any media on this case yet?"

JJ was still cautious around Emily, so she didn't look into her eyes when she said: "The police have already set up a tip line, but no one has come with any interesting information yet."

"What about TV stations, newspapers and all that?" Emily asked. She really wanted to know what the deal with the media was, but she also wanted to see how JJ reacted on her: and it became clear from her behaviour that JJ was nervous around her.

Just as JJ was about to answer, someone knocked on the door and walked in right after that.

JJ thought her heart would stop. Fear, surprise, anger, betrayal – it all flashed through her in that one second. Surely it couldn't be…

But it was. Through the door had walked Hannah Bauer-Barnes, JJ's old counsellor.

The emotions running through her were too much to process, but one thought surfaced: _she can't recognize me. She mustn't recognize me._ JJ turned her face so that it was hidden, but it didn't matter, she had already been seen.

"Shelby?" Hannah asked. Her voice sounded disbelieving, but everybody also caught the glimpse of hope in her voice.

JJ looked up: she had no other choice. Accidentally locking eyes with Hannah, she saw that she hadn't changed much: still the red hair, still the caring eyes, everything that reminded her of why she had liked her.

"Uh, no miss, I am Jennifer Jareau," she said, panicking. She was so confused and afraid she couldn't think clearly, but somewhere her mind took over and she extended her hand, trying to appear calm and professional. Hannah took and shook it, and when she let go, JJ had calmed down just enough to control herself again.

Hannah, still looking at JJ, said: "I am sorry; I confused you with someone I once knew." She shook her head to clear the memories, then, addressing the rest of the team, said: "I'm Hannah Bauer, a confidante for the victims and their family and friends."

Despite her confusion, JJ noticed that Hannah had only used her maiden name, which told her she had finally gotten a divorce. JJ felt sorry for her, because the reason why Hannah had left her group was because she had wanted to work on her marriage. Apparently, it hadn't worked.

She was pulled from her thoughts when Hannah continued talking: "I was late today, because a new victim has been found, and there have been some new developments with this one." Looking around to make sure everybody listened, she continued: "The victim is Katie Miller, a 27-year old woman who was known with the police for petty theft. She's been murdered in the killer's usual way, suffocating and throat-cutting, but not before she was abused."

She gave an odd glance in JJ's direction. Emily, not missing this exchange, saw it and remembered it to think about it some other time.

"Abused in what way?" she asked carefully. Abuse was always one of the worst things to deal with in her work, because it affected its victims for a lifetime – though Katie Miller no longer had anything to be affected by.

"She was tied down, beaten and raped before being suffocated and murdered," Hannah answered, not even flinching at the words. She'd heard worse, and though her heart bled for the woman, this was not the time to act upon it.

JJ was strangely affected by these words: Katie Miller had been raped, but at least she'd been dead not soon after it: she suffered no longer.

"So what has made him change his MO?" Hotch asked to no one in particular. Waiting for an answer, he started pacing up and down.

"Something must've happened, it seems like he was acting on his anger," Emily said.

"The unsub still tied down the victim before beating and raping her, suggesting he was composed enough to render Katie harmless before actually abreacting his anger," Reid piped up in his usual professor-like tone. "So that means he wasn't angry enough to act completely irate and unthinking."

Hotch nodded. Then he turned to Hannah: "Any physical evidence left behind?"

Hannah shook her head. "Nothing yet, but our ME will perform a closer examination this afternoon. This guy can't be **that** perfect."

"He is less composed now, maybe it will make him more sloppy next time," Morgan contributed, and Hannah looked at him. "Do you have any idea when he will stop, if he will?"

Rossi started talking, and Hannah turned around to look at him. "This type of unsub does not stop until he gets caught. To stop him we must gather as much information and evidence as possible, but we don't have nearly enough of that yet. He might leave some with his next crime. No matter how horrible it may sound, we **need** another victim."

Hannah nodded again, obviously agreeing with him.

Hotch took over. "Prentiss and Morgan, you go to the last crime scene. Try to find out where he beat and raped Katie Miller. Dave and I will go to her family to talk to them. JJ and Reid stay here to work on victimology." Everyone nodded their agreement and two by two they left, Hannah going with Emily and Morgan. JJ sighed, looking at Reid shortly before moving forward to study the victim's photos. This was going to be a long afternoon.

* * *

_I know, I know. Brining back a HG character is quite cliché, but I hope my choice of character is a bit less expected. I thought it was, anyway. I like Sophie a lot, but I'm also very sorry Hannah didn't get more time. She was a great character, and something might've happened between her and Peter, had she stayed...  
Also, somewhere in a bio I read it said that Hannah had great maternal instincts, and it seems to me that's something Shelby can use._

_From the next chapter onwards I have no clear idea as to what to write, so it might take a little more time to upload. I will, though. I won't abandon this story. (And if I do, send me messages, because then I'll feel so guilty I just **have** to continue.)_


	10. Night

_Chapter 10, with moments you've all been waiting for! Well, I have, anyway. Took me long to get there, though. Anyway, do read and please review! I can never get enough of 'em ;-)._

* * *

That night, Emily returned to their hotel quite late, having been chasing around north Detroit for a long time. They had found several places where the unsub could have been, but none of them had any physical evidence. Eventually they had found a silver ring at the place where Katie had been murdered, but it had no text on it, nor anything else which would help them identify to whom the ring belonged. Nevertheless, they had brought it back to the station. It was **something**.

Opening the door to the room she shared with JJ, she found JJ lying on her bed, reading a book. JJ hadn't discovered much new by studying the victimology and had let Reid do most of the work, who didn't really mind that. Her thoughts had drifted off more than they should have, but she couldn't help herself.

It was dangerous. Emily sleeping in the same room with her, Hannah working closely with them – she was closer to exposure than ever. JJ didn't know what exactly Hannah knew, but she suspected it was enough to confirm whatever it was Emily was thinking.

She had seen the look Hannah had given her at the mention of abuse with Katie. She had even seen Emily, seeing that look.

Hannah and Emily were both skilled in finding out people's secrets. Though JJ thought she was safe from Hannah for the moment, she'd probably never be safe from Emily. Emily knew more, Emily had been with her during the nightmare and during the breakdown in the shower, and Emily was smart. She was probably already quite sure of what had happened and only needed to hear confirmation.

JJ wasn't going to give it to her. She couldn't – Emily would look at her differently, everyone would. She would probably do the same, if she heard something like that, how could she not?

But she didn't want their looks, she wanted peace. She wanted to escape from the memories and thoughts that haunted her.

She got up abruptly and headed towards the shower. "I'm just going to take a quick shower," she said in Emily's direction before closing the door.

Emily stayed in the room while JJ was showering, ready if anything happened. But after 15 minutes, JJ walked out again, and apparently nothing was wrong. Emily went into the bathroom after her, deciding to take a hot, much needed shower herself.

JJ hadn't managed to get her hands on any sleeping pills, so she decided to distract herself with the book she had brought until she'd fall asleep. It was a chick flick, exactly the kind of light reading she needed.

When Emily returned from the shower, JJ was reading her book again, and she seemed to be totally into the story. After wishing her goodnight, she went to her own bed, knowing fully well she wouldn't be able to sleep, not soon, anyway.

JJ was reading indeed, but the words didn't reach her mind. Her thoughts kept going to places she didn't want to visit. Hannah, Katie, Jess… They all went through her mind and she couldn't focus on the book anymore.

It was horrible what they had gone through, the pain they must've endured before finally finding some peace… It had been different for her, she had always known how strong she was, she had known she'd live through it…

But Jess, little Jess… her life had been ruined. Her life was probably still ruined, though JJ wouldn't know. She hadn't seen her sister for a long while now. She couldn't. It would mean she would have to face everything again, remember everyone… She wasn't strong enough for that. Talking to Emily would already be horrible, let alone talking to someone who blamed JJ.

Because JJ knew Jess blamed her. And she agreed. If she hadn't left, he never would've done anything to Jess, he'd just have continued with her, and she would've survived long enough to be able to escape and take Jess with her.

But she hadn't… She had left her, she had been selfish and she hadn't thought of her sister, thinking he would keep his promise. How stupid was she? How could she ever have trusted his promise? He was a monster, and monsters didn't keep their promises.

It was her fault, it was all her fault…

Not able to be strong any longer, she finally broke down. Turning her face, she cried, her sobs muffled by the pillow. She couldn't let Emily hear her, see her like this, though she wanted to have someone to confide in. No matter how much she wanted, she never could… It would change everything.

Hannah had made Emily think. What if the unsub targeted people that reminded him of others? It wouldn't be the first time. The victims' differences had prevented her from seeing it before, because usually unsubs targeted only one kind of victim. But the more she thought about it, the more logical it seemed.

Maybe they had reminded him of his old neighbourhood, or his family – people who had turned him down, who had thought he was strange, people who didn't accept him…

But why didn't he kill **them**, then? Why did he kill people who reminded him of them? That was one part that confused her: why kill the reminders when you could get the real ones?

Except if he couldn't. Emily got excited now: she felt she was getting somewhere.

Just as she was about to elaborate on the thought, she heard sounds coming from JJ's bed. For a moment, she thought JJ was having a nightmare again – but then she listened more closely, and she heard that JJ was crying.

Emily lay still for a moment, contemplating on what to do. But then her empathy took over and she hurried over to JJ's bed, laying a hand on JJ's shaking shoulder.

"JJ…"

JJ shook her head, not wanting to turn, not wanting to show anything else than she already had.

But Emily wasn't going to back off, not this time. She carefully took away the wet pillow from under JJ and, turning her over, pulled her towards her. Enveloping her in a hug she hoped was warm, she gently rocked back and forth, stroking JJ's back.

"It's good, let it all out… I'm here for you," she whispered, not really knowing what to say. She'd never had to deal with crying friends before, what did you say to them?

JJ knew she would have to make up some excuse tomorrow, but she was too tired to do anything now. Emily felt warm and comforting, and she needed that. Like a mother…

This thought caused her to cry a bit harder, because her own mother had never been there for her like Emily was now, even after Walt had been caught, it had never been like this, never…

Peter, Sophie and Hannah, already with so many burdens, had been her parents, had tried to comfort her, even though she'd never let them in.

Her tears were soaking Emily's shirt, but she didn't back off, she continued holding JJ. She was so sweet, hugging her…

She remembered when she had heard Walt had had a heart attack, when she had broken down on Kat's hike… And they hugged her, everybody hugged her and she had thought she hadn't deserved it; she didn't deserve their sympathy, their feelings, because she had done the worst things possible…

And tonight she felt the same, but she let Emily hold her and comfort her, because she knew she needed it. She couldn't stay strong much longer. She just didn't have the energy left.

Emily still rocked her, even though she felt JJ calming down a bit. She couldn't imagine the horror she'd gone through, the pain she must've carried inside for so long… She wanted so desperately to help her, take some of her burdens away. But for now, all she could do was to hold her tightly and to not let her go.

* * *

_Some side notes:  
1. I wanted to have this really cute moment between Emily and JJ, but I think I kind of failed. Maybe it's just my underdeveloped ego talking here (I'm kidding), I don't know, but I get the feeling the emotions don't really come through, if you know what I mean._

_2. I've written some of the next chapters, but they're crap. They really are. I'm dealing with some personal issues right now and I'm trying to set them apart to continue this story, but I'm afraid I'm starting to develop a bit of a writer's block..._


	11. Late

_Here's the next chapter! I'm very happy some people reviewed to my last chapter, because I was **very** insecure about that one. Doesn't mean I'm not insecure about this one, though. So please, review! It only takes a short while, and it really makes my day, believe me._

* * *

The next morning, JJ woke up to the sound of someone banging on her door. She groggily looked around. She was in her own bed, safe and sound: Emily must've put her back in. She looked over to Emily's bed, and saw that she was, amazingly enough, still asleep.

She stood up and walked over to the door, opening it to find an angry Morgan. "How long does it take you to open up?!"

"Uhm," JJ said, still not quite awake. "What's wrong?"

"It's 10 a.m., we were **all** supposed to meet Hannah at 8." Morgan still used his angry voice, but only to conceal his worry: the girls, and Emily in particular, were almost never late for anything.

"Oh," JJ said, looking back at Emily. "We must've overslept. I'll wake her up, and we'll be down in 10."

Morgan nodded and looked at JJ again, noticing her red eyes and the dark circles beneath her eyes. "JJ, you okay?"

JJ nodded, avoiding Morgan's eyes. "I'm fine. See you in a moment." She closed the door.

Morgan stood there for a moment, thinking, before shrugging and heading back down again.

JJ walked towards Emily, who was still asleep. She called her name, causing Emily to turn around, mumbling something. Emily's trouble with waking up reminded her of Daisy, who had always stayed in as long as possible.

Deciding she would apply the same method to Emily as she'd applied to her, she pulled off the blankets. "Em!" She nearly shouted, slapping her softly in the face.

"Huh?!" Emily said, looking around in confusion. "Where's the fire?"

JJ nearly laughed at Emily's confused words. "I had to wake you up," she replied, walking towards her own bed to get dressed.

The atmosphere in the room was a bit thick as they dressed – both of them remembered what had happened the night before, and both knew they'd have to talk about it, but neither knew when. They had a meeting to catch now, anyway – and they were already late. When they were dressed, they hurried down, without applying any make-up on. JJ knew she looked terrible, probably with puffy eyes and bags under her eyes, but there was no time to do anything about it.

As they walked into the case-room, JJ saw that everyone, including Hannah, was already there. After some mumbled apologies, they headed straight to the coffee machine for some much needed caffeine. Meanwhile, the rest of the team continued talking. They were making an official profile for the police, something JJ couldn't contribute much to.

She knew she should've listened to the team's contemplations, but she couldn't focus on it. Instead, her thoughts went to the recent events.

After last night, she knew things had to change. The way she and Emily interacted, it would change now. Emily had never cried in front of JJ, and before last night JJ hadn't broken down in front of her either. Their relationship had changed last night, and JJ didn't know what kind of a change it would be.

She eyed Emily, who was engrossed in a conversation about the killer's motives. Apparently, she had an idea, because she was talking rather heatedly.

JJ thought that, if she'd ever have to tell anyone, it'd be Emily. Not Hotch, because it just didn't concern him. It was something a man could probably never understand, even if he was a sympathetic boss, a father figure and an outstanding profiler.

Though maybe Morgan would. After all, he had a history himself. Morgan would maybe understand why she'd kept everything secret.

But there were things she still wouldn't be able to tell him, things he definitely wouldn't understand, simply because he hadn't experienced them.

She had thought so often about talking to Garcia, knowing the woman was capable of unburdening anyone. They were good friends, and they had often talked about serious things, but JJ had never told her anything about her real past. Instead, she had vaguely talked about her past that was known with the Bureau – and that wasn't a conflicted one. Pretty much an idyllic childhood. But knowing that any agent was supposed to have childhood problems, she'd said something about feeling left out – it wasn't even a total lie. She _had_ felt left out, but it had been her own fault, because she had pushed away anyone who wanted to let her in.

Sighing, JJ forced her mind back to the matter at hand: a murder case. This was not the time to lose herself in memories and thoughts like she had so often lately, she simply couldn't.

After ten minutes listening, JJ knew enough to give out the basic profile. The team would talk more than she did, but she had to know the basics.

They walked out into the bullpen and JJ asked for everyone's attention, which she got rapidly.

After giving out the profile, Emily and Hotch went out to talk to the family of the first victim, to see if there were any similarities between her and the latest victim. The police had interviewed them before, but they knew from experience that local police often missed things the BAU did catch onto.

Reid and Morgan went out, too, to the second victim's family. The second victim had been a rich businessman who had been found near a swimming pool he himself owned. It was a connection that couldn't be ignored.

JJ and Rossi stayed behind, talking with Hannah about the victimology for a moment. JJ yawned more than once: she was still tired, not having had much sleep. Usually, she could deal with the irregular work hours, but she'd hardly slept at all in the last couple of days, because she kept having nightmares.  
Besides, she was looking for a way to get out of here. She didn't feel safe with Hannah so near, thinking the woman probably had already figured it out, intuitive as she was.

Rossi noticed her yawning and dismissed her. "JJ, I can't use you if your mind isn't awake. Why don't you go back to the hotel and try to get some sleep?" JJ nodded, thankful. She was looking forward to some sleep, even though she would probably have another nightmare. Maybe she could put the TV on, so that the sound would distract.

"Thank you, sir," she replied, suppressing another yawn. "I promise I'll be of more help after I've slept."

The distance between the police station and the hotel they stayed at was very short, only five minutes of walking. When she entered her room, JJ headed straight to her bed, not bothering to take her clothes off.

Thankfully, no nightmares woke her up this time.

* * *

_Stupid ending, I know, but otherwise this chapter became too short. Though they're not long anyway: it's funny to see how 3 pages of Word only take page on here... And slightly frustrating, because now it looks so short!_

_Anyway, please review and brighten a bad day/week!_


	12. Exposed

_Wrote this while I was pretty much a wreck, but when I tried to re-write I found I couldn't change much about it. So here it is... _

_I got some great reviews, and special thanks to IheartTV 'tv-luvin-hottie' for making the deal... (If I continue to write, she'll continue to write her story "This is who we are". Check it out, it's a great story) _

_Kristin: Thanks for your review too! I'm not sure whether Peter'll come back, because right now it wouldn't be logical. But I'm planning on writing another fanfic (got it all planned out, I just need to write it), also a crossover between Criminal Minds and Higher Ground, in which Peter will probably come back. Just don't know when I will actually write it. _

_Disclaimer: Criminal Minds nor Higher Ground belong to me._

* * *

JJ woke up to the sound of someone knocking on her door again. Blinking in the sunlight that entered the room, she sat up straight. "Who is it?" she called out.

"It's me," the other person answered. _Just what I can use, another interrogation,_ she thought, too tired to be panicked. "I'll be right out," she answered, quickly turning off the TV she had turned on before she'd gone to sleep.

Opening the door, she saw Hannah standing there, holding a notebook. "Agent Rossi said it was yours," she said to JJ, seeing her look.

"Oh! Uhm, it is," JJ answered. It was hard for her to act normally around the woman who'd been like a mother to her for quite a while. JJ suspected Hannah had seen right through her, which didn't make it any easier.

"Do you want to come in?" JJ asked politely, knowing she had to ask such a question.

"Actually, I do," Hannah said in a voice that didn't promise much good. JJ stepped aside to let her in, and while she passed her, Hannah said softly: "We need to talk."

She sat down in a comfortable chair near the window. JJ decided to sit on the bed, far enough to keep some distance, knowing what would come.

Hannah broke the uncomfortable silence. "I know you are Shelby."

"I am not Shelby," JJ answered automatically, trying to make the name sound like one unfamiliar to her. "I don't know who Shelby is."

"It's no use lying, Shel," Hannah said, looking at her with something like pity. "The scar on your arm, remember?"

JJ looked down. That treacherous scar, once inflicted by a wild dog, had betrayed her. Her cover had been blown away because of a stupid little dog.

She looked up again, not knowing what to say. Finally she settled on something familiar: "Don't tell them." They both knew who JJ was referring to.

"You haven't told them anything?" Hannah asked. She wasn't surprised Shelby hadn't changed much in that way, but still – how long could she stand on her own?

"No, and they don't need to know. It's gone, over. I'm not Shelby anymore, and nothing of the sort ever happened to me," JJ said in a definite tone of voice. Hannah noticed the pain in her eyes and wanted to stand up and hug her, but she didn't, knowing Shelby rejected physical contact. The Shelby she had known had done so, anyway. Obviously, that Shelby was gone from the surface now. "Shel…" She took a moment to see how she would react to the name. JJ flinched ever so slightly, but did nothing else.

"I won't tell them, but you know you're gonna have to someday."

"They'll find out anyway," JJ mumbled. "Emily… I think she knows."

"Shelby, why don't you just tell her? She can help you. Your team can help you, they're profilers after all."

"I don't need help. And don't call me Shelby, I am JJ." Something of her old behaviour was coming back, and she felt the urge to run, like she had done when she was a teenager, run away from the problems, even though it never worked.

"Oh, come on, _JJ_. I knew you quite well, even though you didn't want to accept it. I know what happened to you, and I know what you're trying to do here."

She did stand up now and walked over to the bed. "It's not going to get any easier, Shel," she said softly. "No matter how long you wait."

JJ didn't reply, but continued staring at her hands, as if they had suddenly become a source of interest. Hannah was about to start one of her old peptalks, when the door was opened.

Agent Prentiss walked in, probably the one Shelby had referred to as 'Emily', the one who possibly knew some things.

"Agent Bauer!" Emily exclaimed, obviously surprised and confused. "Uhm, can I help you?"

Hannah quickly stood up. "Really, call me Hannah, I'm not an 'agent'. And I was just giving Agent Jareau back her notebook." She hesitated only for a moment before saying JJ's name, and that didn't go unnoticed by Emily. "Anyway, miss Jareau…" -she turned back to JJ-, "I am glad we talked." Giving JJ a last meaningful look, she nodded to Emily and left the room.

"Well, that was strange," Emily said, still a little surprised, trying to break the ice. "Oh well… What do you think of her?" She addressed the question to JJ, who was still sitting on the bed.

"I guess she's okay," JJ mumbled, not looking up.

For a moment, neither of them talked. Then JJ stood up and turned to Emily: "Why are you back so early, anyway? I thought you were interviewing the Denzels."

Her snappy tone alarmed Emily, but she decided not to let it show. "They weren't home and we couldn't reach them. Neighbours said they had gone to New York."

"Nice place to spend your time after your wife or mother has been murdered," JJ said, trying to cover up.

"They're probably visiting family," Emily said, seeing through JJ's disguise. "JJ, why were you crying last night?"

Emily's abrupt change of subject unsettled JJ, who hadn't expected _that_ talk now.

She sighed. She had to tell… but it was just so hard. She couldn't do it now, not right after Hannah…

"I just had a bad dream again, about Hankel and Charles and then this new unsub came in, too, trying to kill me," JJ settled for a lie. Emily didn't know how Hannah and she knew each other, and if she found out, it wouldn't be soon or everybody would know everything about her. She couldn't tell Emily that part of the reason she'd broken down was because Hannah had reminded her of bad things.

Emily sighed. She knew without a doubt that if was a lie, and she knew that JJ **had** to talk soon, or she'd be in a real mess. Emily had seen what could happen to people who kept it all inside, and it couldn't happen to JJ, too, she couldn't lose another friend…

"JJ, I know you're lying and I know you're afraid to tell the truth. I just want you to know that, whatever it is, I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to." She paused for a moment, watching JJ, who finally seemed to realize that lying no longer had any use.

"But this, it's poisoning you. It's eating you up inside, and you know what's going to happen if you don't get that poison out."

It was almost literally what Daisy had said on the trip to Dog's Peak, a long time ago... Emily was a lot like Daisy. Daisy had been there for her, had supported her and hadn't turned her down when she knew. She had accepted her. Maybe Emily would, too…

"I lose anyway, whether I tell or not," she replied, looking up at Emily. It was the same thing she'd said to Daisy.

"You don't know that unless you try, do you?" Emily asked rhetorically.

JJ thought for a while.

Maybe it **was** easier to just tell… Not everything, because then she'd have no one left, but just some things, enough to explain why she'd been behaving the way she did, and who the nightmares were about. JJ knew she could trust Emily, and she indeed wouldn't tell anyone if JJ asked so.

"Okay, but not now, I've just woken up," JJ finally replied. She didn't look at Emily and therefore didn't see the glint of excitement in Emily's eyes before she answered.

"Alright, what about lunch tomorrow? Then we're away from the rest," she said, thinking that JJ needed something to calm her mind, now that she had decided to talk.

But JJ was quite emotionless when she said: "Okay then, tomorrow."

Emily left again to do something about the case and left JJ alone, thinking.

_What have I done? Now I have to tell, and if he'll find out he'll start all over again, it'll all start over again, I'll go back to being who I used to be and I'll never be JJ again to her__..._

* * *

_They're horribly out of character... I just haven't seen Criminal Minds in a while, having only started rewatching two days ago, and that's the first season in which Emily is not even existent yet and JJ has very little screen time...  
And as for Hannah, well, there are not enough episodes with her!_

Oh, and if the whole text is written in italic like it was before: no idea why that is.


	13. Fatherly Words

_A short, rather useless chapter, but I'll explain why I wrote it at the end._

_elisacollette - Thank you for your review! I really liked Daisy too and the way she just said the things the way they were... It took some time to appreciate her, but when I did, I didn't stop. Does that make sense? Oh, and I just wanted to throw some HG in..._

Oh, and it's not mine. Do I actually have to repeat that in each chapter? I hope not. So, for future disclaimers, just look at a previous chapter, ok?

_Anyways, enjoy!_

* * *

That evening, the team got the data they had wanted. A new victim was found, a boy of 17 years old by the name of Kyle Mishkin. He hadn't been abused like Katie Miller, and he was in all ways a 'normal' victim: suffocation and a slashed throat. Still, it was a new victim, which meant that there were new possibilities to catch the unsub.

JJ stayed up with the rest, deciding she wasn't in the mood for some time alone with Emily; she'd have plenty of that tomorrow.  
Therefore, she was relieved when Emily left with Reid and Rossi to take a look at the crime scene.

Morgan was calling Garcia for a search, and JJ listened in: she had always found the relationship between Morgan and Garcia, the way they interacted, amusing. Plus, she could always use some distraction.

"… Hey, baby doll, it's me… No, I'm okay, but I need some info... I know you can… Look for a man in his forties, who was once part of a group but they all moved away or something… Yeah, I know it's vague but we don't have much else… Oh yeah, and he might've had some bad experience recently, something that made him angry, like a death or a divorce… I don't know," he then said, looking at JJ. "Yeah, okay…" He handed the phone to JJ. "She wants to talk to you."

JJ took the phone: it was no surprise that Pen wanted to talk to her, probably to find out how her friend was.

"Hi Pen, how's life back at Quantico?" she asked, not surprised when she got only a short reply.

"_Fine, but how are __**you**__? Everything okay with Em?"_ Garcia sounded genuinely concerned, but then again, she probably was. Being some of the few women in a man's job made them connect somehow, and it was a precious connection. JJ and Garcia had immediately accepted Emily as part of that connection.

"Yeah, we're fine," she replied, not reacting to the strange looks Morgan and Hotch threw her. "Have you found anything yet?"

"_Huh? Oh, n__o, not yet. He's good at hiding, but I'll find him," _Garcia said, determined. JJ chuckled: it was so like Garcia.

"Well, Pen, I'm going to give you back to Morgan 'cause he's dying to talk to you," JJ said, sticking out her tongue at Morgan, who pulled a face but took the phone.

She sat down on a chair, fully planning on working on the case. She pulled the case file towards her and started studying the locations where the bodies had been found, trying to see some pattern. She was interrupted when Hotch sat down next to her.

"JJ, can I talk to you for a moment?"

JJ looked up, dreading whatever conversation that would come. But she made a bright face, saying: "Sure, what is it?"

He stared at her and she was beginning to grow uncomfortable: it gave her the feeling he could unravel what she'd been trying so hard to hide from him and the others… She guessed it was only a matter of time. He _was_ a profiler, and he was the boss.

"I want to ask you whether you are really alright, as you pretend you are." His voice was steady, like usual, and somehow that comforted her.

"I'm okay, really, as I said before, the case just got to me, some cases do, and this one was worse than others, because I was abducted and all, not that something like that has never happened but…"

"JJ," he simply said, effectively stopping her flood of words. She did that sometimes, when she got really nervous, and he knew how to stop it. "I'm not going to make you talk. We all have our secrets, and it's okay to have them. I just wanted to say that, if you decide to tell, I'll be here to help. We will all be. We won't judge you. You may think that we don't know how to deal with it, and I don't know, maybe we don't, but I can promise you that we will try."

Such a fatherly speech was unusual for him, and she was momentarily overtaken by surprise.

"Thanks, Hotch," she finally said. She knew she had to say something else, something to comfort them, but she couldn't come up with the right words.

Morgan sat down across her, uncharacteristically serious. "He's right, JJ. I'm here for you and so is everyone else. And if anyone hurt you, well, then they'd better run." He gave a short, harsh laugh. "Plus, with all our own problems, we might even be able to understand and identify with you." That last comment, coming from him of all people, made her a little nervous. Did he know? He would be the first to find out, having been through it himself… Part of it, anyway. He had never been on the streets, not the way she had. But he would understand the rest, and it might help them both to have someone else. It would be different than it had been with Scott or Jess, because that was so much closer, and it was in a different time, a different place… - a different person.

* * *

_Aww, Hotch being fatherly is so cute, I just **had** to put some of it in. It'd really be like Hotch to do such a thing, I mean he may think she won't tell him but he wants her to know he's there for her, just like they all are. And I don't know whether Morgan is really that protective, but due to the enormous amount of CM fanfics I've been reading, he is now. Just go along with it. _

_Please review, by the way! How else can I improve my writing?_


	14. Caught

_Well, here's chapter fourteen. Once again, I'd like to say thank you for all those who review, and once again I'd like (well, have) to say that I do not own them. _

_This chapter is pretty boring, at least I thought so. But it's necessary because this can't be a complete JJcentric piece, can it? I mean, they **are** on a case._

_Anyways, enjoy!_

* * *

This time, JJ and Emily did not oversleep and they were actually a little early. However, they were not surprised to find Reid there, studying a file with furrowed brow.

"What's up, Reid?" Emily asked, trying to look into the file. "Jonathan Mendel? Who's that?"

"Our unsub," Reid replied, receiving surprised gasps from both women.

"What? How have you figured out? Why is he our unsub?"

Reid looked up, his brown eyes swiftly looking at JJ before he turned to Emily, who'd been asking the questions. "Actually, I didn't. Garcia did. There are three people her search applied to, and one is only a little girl, and the other one has just died, so Mendel is the only one left. Garcia only just called me, I was about to wake the others up."

"What makes him our unsub?" JJ interfered, feeling elated this bastard was finally going to get stopped.

"There is a note attached to his file saying he has displayed violent behaviour to some of his classmates, according to him because they bullied him. Garcia did some research on the class and found a newspaper article about the unusual closeness of the class. After school, they all went to New York to study. Every student but Mendel."

"Aahhh," Emily said, beginning to see. "I was right; he **is** killing because his victims reminded him of people - his classmates, apparently. How many people were in that class?"

"About twenty," Reid answered, adding: "So we have to catch him now, because he's not finished yet."

At that point, Hotch, Rossi and Morgan walked in. "Who's not finished yet?" Rossi asked, looking from one to another.

"Garcia found our unsub," Reid told him, and he gave them a name and address. JJ went for her jacket, but Hotch stopped her. "JJ, Reid, you stay here to tell Hannah. Come on people, we've got a murderer to catch."

They hurriedly left for Mendel's home, leaving JJ and Reid behind in what was a surprised silence. Hotch usually let all of them go. JJ suspected he wanted to keep her safe, and Reid wasn't the best with arrests.

JJ and Reid decided to search for Hannah, whom they hadn't seen yet. JJ was curious whether Hannah would react any different to her: she knew she would.

However, they could not find her: eventually they found Detective Milano, who informed them that Hannah was on another case today. JJ and Reid stood there a little helpless, not really knowing what to do. JJ supposed she could do some of the never-ending paperwork, but she wasn't in the mood for it, not alone anyway. So she asked Reid to join her, and together they made their way through a bunch of forms and the small fine prints.

They worked in silence, but it was a comfortable one. Ever since Reid had been abducted, he and JJ had become closer – not in words or spending time together. JJ didn't really know how to describe it, but it was a closeness she treasured.

After an hour or two, they heard the team coming back. Standing up, they both hurriedly left the small office to see every one of the team walking in. Judging by their faces, JJ could see they had caught Mendel.

Walking towards the team, she briefly saw that Morgan had a bandage around his arm, before Hotch blocked her view.

"We're okay, and we caught him. We found evidence of five of the nine murders in his basement, and he will confess soon enough."

He was saying this to JJ and Reid, who relaxed after hearing this. It was always hard to stay behind while the rest of their team was on their way to do something dangerous –JJ couldn't imagine what Garcia went through every time they left–, and it was always nice to hear some good news.

After a few moments of general chit-chat, she went back to the little office with all the files, deciding she'd do as much as she could, while she could. Reid saw her leaving and followed her, something she was grateful for. She still didn't feel like being all on her own.

"Good thing we caught him, eh? If we hadn't, he would definitely have killed more," Reid said, trying to make conversation.

"Uhu," JJ replied distractedly. "But that's what we do, trying to do good things." Reid nodded, for once not starting one of his assessments of their job. He just slipped into the room, pulled a stack of paper to him and starting leafing through it.

A couple of files further, Emily stuck her head around the door. "Hey, care for a bite?" She asked the question directly to JJ, and Reid was wise enough not to interfere. He had noticed JJ's odd behaviour and had his own theories for it, but he knew JJ wouldn't easily tell him anything, so far now he relied on Emily to support her in that way.

"Yeah, sure," JJ replied, knowing there was no way out. "Let's go to that lunchroom around the corner." She stood up, grabbing her purse and coat. "How much time do we have?" she asked Emily, wanting to know when they would leave.

"We'll first have to wait until the storm down south is over," Emily answered. JJ nodded: she had heard something about a storm near New York.

After telling the rest of the team where they were heading, they walked out of the police station, turning the corner to the lunchroom JJ had in mind. It was a cute little place, complete with curtains and candles.

She took a deep breath before turning the door knob.

This was it.

_Told you... pretty boring. The next chapter, however... You know what's gonna happen there, but I'll keep you in suspense for a couple more days anyway. I'm at a friend's place now, and maybe I will upload tomorrow. Otherwise it'll be when I'm home again._

* * *


	15. Talking

_The big chapter..._

_Sorry for the long wait, but I had some other things to sort out. I had to work quite much, I stayed at a friend and I had a birthday._

Anyway, this is the next chapter and I think the one most of you have been waiting for. I enjoyed writing it, though it was quite hard. I hope it turned out okay. Please tell me what you think!

And again, thanks for the reviews, and it's not mine.

* * *

They sat down in a corner, JJ with her back against the wall. She knew Emily wanted it that way to reassure her she was in control, because from JJ's point of view she could see almost everyone in the room. Despite her not being a profiler, she'd picked up on a few things from her colleagues, and some common sense did the rest.

They ordered and JJ kept silent, not wanting to talk besides the necessary. She waited for Emily to speak, but for the first few moments all Emily seemed to be able to do was eat.

"Didn't have breakfast this morning, I'm pretty hungry," she said when she saw JJ looking at her. JJ nodded, a brief smile gracing her face. Emily was happy to see JJ could at least still smile, though she knew she was terrified of what would come.

Finally, she looked up from her sandwich. JJ was eyeing her warily, having hardly eaten from her own lunch. "Guess this is it, huh?" she said, sounding nervous.

Emily nodded. "Would you rather want me ask questions or just tell the story?" She knew that approaching the problem in the right way would make it easier for JJ.

"Just ask questions," JJ answered, no longer trying to stall. It would have to come anyway; she'd better get over with it while she was still composed.

"How do you know Hannah?" Emily started. She had seen the way Hannah and JJ had interacted when they were at the hotel room, and it showed that they had previously met.

"She's… an old friend," JJ said, struggling to find the right word. But Hannah **had** been a friend: a counsellor, a mother and a friend, all in one.

"So you did know her before? Do you know the 'Shelby' she referred to when we first met?"

JJ nodded. "I do," she said, hoping that Emily was going to stop asking questions in that direction.

"Who is she?" Emily demanded, looking JJ in the eye. She had a suspicion, but needed to hear it confirmed.

JJ took a deep breath. "She is me."

Emily stared at her. "You changed your name? Why?"

"It's hard to explain… probably hard to understand." JJ said softly, looking down to her lap.

"Don't avoid the question JJ, you know it's safe to tell me," Emily said equally soft. "Try me."

JJ looked up. "I didn't want to be Shelby any longer." She was unconsciously rubbing her arms, a gesture Emily recognized as shielding.

Emily sat back for a moment, contemplating on how to ask the next question. "What has happened to Shelby, JJ?" She finally asked, trying to create a distance for JJ between her and Shelby.

JJ looked away, trying to hide the tears in her eyes. "Nothing," she choked, wiping away the tears. "She was just… just…" She stopped, unable to talk any further.

Emily moved her chair until she was as close to JJ as she could get. She grabbed JJ's hand and said: "JJ, look at me."

JJ slowly turned her head until she was facing Emily. Emily recognized the pain in her eyes the moment she saw it. "Oh, JJ…" she whispered, seeing her thoughts getting confirmed. She pulled JJ towards her and hugged her, feeling JJ stiffen against her. "It's okay," she said, stroking JJ's back, much like she had when JJ had had the nightmare. "He can't hurt you any longer."

JJ pulled back, fearing the physical contact. When other people had done that, those were the hardest times to keep strong, because the feeling of someone being there for her was so tempting… But Emily kept holding her hand, and somehow she was okay with that.

"It's hard to talk," she whispered hoarsely. "I've never… I never could…"

"Take your time," Emily also whispered. "But JJ, you need to talk sometime. If you're gonna keep this in it'll kill you."

JJ nodded, and Emily pulled her back into a hug again. For a while they just sat there, JJ relishing the warmth of Emily's body. It had been so long since somebody had hugged her like this, total and forgiving and just **there**. She wasn't used to the feeling anymore.

When she pulled back again, she had somewhat relaxed, enough to think clearly again, or as clear as she could get.

Emily was scared. She knew part of what had happened, but it wasn't all, she knew that for sure. What had made JJ like this? The strong, independent, happy JJ, rarely in a bad mood. Who had caused her to break down like she had? Emily felt anger rise in her, but she kept it down. Anger was something JJ could not use at the moment.

"When I was eight, my mom remarried," JJ said, snapping Emily out of her thoughts. She laughed hoarsely, a laugh that chilled Emily to the bone. "I was actually glad that my mom remarried, can you believe it? Glad, because someone would take care of us again…"

"It is normal for children to feel-" Emily began, but JJ cut her off. "I know it is, I mean I work with you guys. It's just… stupid, if you think of what came of that marriage."

Emily nodded, not unfamiliar with the feelings. "When did your stepfather start hurting you?" She asked.

JJ's head shot up. "What? Why…" Then she sighed, realizing there was no use lying to a skilled profiler.

"He just came into my room at first, talking and kissing me goodnight…" JJ stared into the distance, obviously remembering. Emily squeezed her hand to bring her back to the present.

"The first time he did it, he said it was how men showed love towards their children, that it was normal. And I believed him…"

She wasn't crying anymore, but the pain and anger in her voice was obvious.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Emily gently asked, knowing it was probably shame that had kept JJ from talking.

"He promised… said that if I kept quiet he wouldn't hurt Jess…"

"Who is Jess?" Emily interfered, remembering hearing the name during JJ's nightmare.

"She's my little sister," JJ replied, and by the way her face lit up Emily could tell that Jess was a good part of JJ's past. "But when I came back, I found out, he'd broken his promise…"

"Came back from what?" Emily asked curiously. How had JJ escaped all this?

"I ran away when I was fourteen, eventually I ended up at a school for 'troubled teens', but I had to go back there when my stepfather got ill and my mother needed someone to take care of him," JJ spat, sensing the irony herself. "So I took care of the man that abused me, I had no choice, Peter couldn't help it either…"

"Peter was your teacher at that school?" Emily asked, recognizing the name again.

"Yeah, Peter and Sophie and… and Hannah," JJ confessed. Her hands relaxed now, she had obviously trusted Peter, Sophie and Hannah.

Emily started to see the timeline now, but there was one chunk still missing. "JJ, what did you do before you went to that school?"

From the way JJ stiffened, she saw that this was the question JJ wanted to avoid desperately.

"It's okay, you can tell me," she said soothingly, sensing that this was the part JJ had most difficulty with.

"I was on the streets," JJ finally replied, trying to keep her voice straight. "I located my real father and went to him, and then he sent me to Horizon," she continued, hoping that that part of her past had been covered now.

Emily could just see it in the way JJ acted, the way she didn't want to talk about the streets. She knew how JJ had survived there, and it hurt her so much to think of what her friend had gone through. There was so much that she still didn't know, and JJ had been so damaged she thought she could never tell anyone…

"You did what you had to do to survive," she whispered, pulling JJ against her. "It's not your fault, do you understand me? Don't blame yourself for this."

"But it **is** my fault, if I'd never run away, if I'd stayed there, he would never have hurt Jess, he would've kept his hands off of her…"

"And he would've molested you even more," Emily finished the sentence for her. "Destroyed you even more, and caused you even more pain."

"So what?" JJ shot back, her old defence mechanism coming back. "I could handle it. Jess couldn't, she was much younger, she was just a child…"

Emily was glad JJ got some of her anger back, but nevertheless the replied: "You were a child too, JJ! It is not your fault. You didn't abuse anyone. He did. He made you sleep with other men in order to survive, he made you believe that was the only way out. It is not your fault."

JJ flinched when Emily said that, realizing Emily had figured out her biggest secret.

"Do you know what it's like? Every single day, I – I stand under the shower, and I can never get clean. I'll always be dirty, damaged, they'll never get off of me…"

She was losing it now, tears going down her face and her voice hoarse. Emily pulled her close again, at a loss for words. What did you say in these moments? She had the skills to interview the most horrific serial killers ever, yet she couldn't help her own friend…

JJ was tired, so tired of remembering, of having to tell things she had never told anyone before, things she had tried to forget so hard that sometimes she even believed she **had** forgotten it.

She leaned into Emily's comforting arms, no longer caring how she looked. She was just too tired to care for anything.

* * *

_Cute friendship scene... yay. Just wanted to throw that in.  
A couple more things:  
1. I started one -or two, actually- new stories on CM. I know it's not smart. I hope it'll work. I probably won't upload them until much later.  
2. I'm kind of stuck with this story - Emily knows, most of the others have suspicions... A scene where JJ tells everyone will be even harder than only with Emily. I am now somewhere at chapter 17, but I feel like I lack the originality and the talent.  
I'll try, though, I'll try not to let everyone, including myself, down by not finishing this story..._

Enough with the down stuff! Did I convey the emotions well in this chapter? Is it realistic? For those who haven't seen Higher Ground, was is surprising? For those who have seen Higher Ground, did I tell everything correctly? Please tell me, I can never have enough comments! 


	16. Reminiscing

_I know it took me a while to update, but I've been quite busy working and reading and writing and everything else one does at a holiday. _

_Somebody asked for longer chapter, and I can promise that they will come. But this chapter has been written a pretty long while ago. In fact, I'm not busy writing chapter 19, and I'll try making that one longer.  
As for the other request, well, we'll see..._

_This chapter is pretty much a filler, but anyway. Enjoy and please tell me what you think!_

* * *

They stayed in the lunchroom for a while, Emily trying to calm JJ down, who had broken down after talking so much.

She just remembered everything, it came back to her and she was too tired to fight. She couldn't stop the tears, now that she had finally talked there were no longer any barriers to stop them. She didn't care about everybody in the room seeing them, she didn't know them anyway. But Emily… she was so sweet to her, holding her and talking to her, like she accepted her with all the scars her past brought with her.

She had had Peter and Sophie of course, who had been there for her. She had always known she could rely on them, but she just never did. Back then, she was too afraid Walt would hurt Jess, too… She almost snorted. How stupid had she been, trusting him. Thinking he would actually keep his promise, thinking he would do one decent thing in his life.

When she had been back, taking care of him, when she found out about Jess, she had been ready to kill. Most of that evening was quite blurry in her mind, but she could still remember her desperation when she ran into the kitchen, searching for pills and then going for the knife.

Initially she hadn't even known who to kill… Him or herself. But then she'd seen Scott before her eyes, sweet Scott who didn't deserve a dead girlfriend. And she couldn't. She couldn't kill anyone, Walt nor herself. She wouldn't lower herself to that. She'd finally do something useful.

So she'd called the cops, telling them why he deserved to get life.

She had stayed just long enough to testify, not telling any more than what she had to tell. Peter and Sophie had been there with her, and she had looked at them all the time, knowing that when she looked at Walt her walls would go down.

She'd gone back to Horizon after that, enjoying the last few moments there. The plan had already started to form then, the longing to become someone else. She hadn't told anyone, nobody knew. She hadn't even known whether it would be legal back then.

But she found out it was, and she had changed her name the moment she could. No matter how much it hurt to have to leave everyone behind, leaving them without any information, it hurt more to keep the memories.

She had taken a new name, with its own past attached to it, and she had done her best to live up to it. Working in the BAU had been tricky, with her real past, and she'd had some breakdowns in the time that she had worked there, but the feeling of having some friends and a job she liked was stronger than the few breakdowns she'd had.

Emily shook her out of her thoughts, giving her one last squeeze before letting go. "We should get back to the station; it's already half past one."

JJ nodded, wiping away the wetness under her eyes. "I'm just going to the bathroom to freshen up," she said, grabbing her bag. Emily took her coat off the back of her chair and followed her into the bathroom.

"Uhm, JJ…" Emily said hesitantly. JJ looked up at her through the mirror. She looked less messy now, having applied on enough make-up to hide the redness of her eyes. Emily doubted if it would help, though: profilers were hard to fool.

"What do we tell the others?"

JJ turned around, facing Emily. "We don't have to tell them anything," she said, an edge in her voice.

"JJ, they're already suspicious, they won't let it pass," Emily said, knowing they needed something to tell.

JJ sighed. She knew there was no way out, eventually they'd find out, even if Emily didn't tell.

"Look, I'll tell them, just not now, okay?"

"I'll be with you, if you want me to," Emily prodded, offering her support. "I could even tell them, if you can't do it yourself."

"No, I have to tell them myself, but… could you stay with me?" JJ's eyes were full of emotion, and Emily just couldn't refuse. Not that she would in any case. She knew how good support could feel and what a help it could be.

"Of course I will, JJ, I'll be there with you," she said softly, quickly hugging JJ before the door opened and another woman came in. "Come on now, we've got to go back. They'll wonder where we've been."

They left together, in a very different atmosphere than when they arrived. JJ was tired and she felt empty, and yet she felt the warmness that came from the woman walking next to her. It was more than she'd ever dared hoping for, and she was glad there was someone who knew, someone she didn't have to hide from.

When they walked into the case-room again, hopefully for the last time, JJ immediately noticed the strange looks some of the team members threw at them, and she knew Emily had been right: she'd have to tell soon. They were a team of profilers, and they worked as a family: there was no way they'd really leave her alone. They would maybe not push her so much, but she would continue getting these strange looks until they knew.

But she didn't want to tell, and she didn't think there would ever be a right time for it. With Emily, it had been one on one, with someone she trusted. She trusted everyone else, but with Emily, and Garcia as well, she just had a different kind of bond than with the men. It was something that came naturally with being women in a men's world. They'd had their share of harassments in their jobs, and it made them connect.

"JJ?" Reid's voice shook her out of her thoughts. Everyone had scattered now, trying to find a way to fill the time until they left for Quantico.

She looked at Reid, seeing the bags under his eyes. This case hadn't been easy on him. It had shown him what he could have become, having been an outcast, just like Mendel had. JJ knew Reid worried about it, she knew that he worried he would someday turn. He hadn't ever told her with those words, but it was something that she'd picked up on, unconsciously memorizing every little sign.

"Are you alright?" She nearly jumped at the voice of the person she'd been thinking of.

"I'm fine," she smiled reassuringly at him. "Just a bit tired, that's all."

"You have been tired a lot lately," Reid argued, narrowing his eyes. He knew she wouldn't just come clean with him, but he wanted her to know he knew something was off.

"I've been having some… nightmares," JJ replied, her eyes downcast. She hoped he'd think the nightmares were a result of her abduction and not something else.

Reid nodded: nightmares were something he'd had his own share of. Though knowing JJ wasn't telling him everything, he let it go. He knew JJ. She really wouldn't tell unless she wanted, or was forced to. And he didn't want to force her to tell something she didn't.

* * *

_I hope that at least SOMEONE has caught the Higher Ground reference in this chapter, though slightly altered._


	17. Waiting

_Ok, here goes..._

_First of all, I apologize for the delay. I'm way further ahead than chapter 17, in fact I am at chapter 21 now, but I try not to update too quickly.  
Because I am updating things I have written quite some time ago, I feel that my newest chapters are way better than this one, but okay. That's probably also why you'll see some changes in the coming chapters..._

_Oh, and as usual it's not mine, and I'd like to think everyone why review :). You make me feel useful xD_

_Enjoy this chapter!_

* * *

While they stayed in the police station, waiting for the sign that the storm had ended, Hannah came in. She looked at JJ before looking at anyone else, and Emily, now knowing what the connection between Hannah and JJ was, watched curiously. She was wondering how JJ would act with someone from her past around her – especially someone the others couldn't know she knew.

But nothing said that Hannah and JJ shared a history: Hannah walked towards Hotch and talked with him for a while, discussing the unsub's psychological state. Emily listened to them, interested for the opinion of a non-profiler.

When there was nothing more to discuss, Hannah sat down on a chair, obviously content with spending her free time with the BAU. Slowly everyone else sat down, eventually forming a circle. They talked about everything, from their job to their private lives. Emily hadn't enjoyed herself like that in a long time, and she liked talking like this with people she shared the worst of the world with.

When things got a little personal for JJ, she excused herself to go to the toilet. She wasn't surprised when she looked up in the bathroom mirror to find Hannah standing behind her.

"So," Hannah said casually, moving next to her to wash her hands. "You told her?"

JJ turned to her, surprised. "Why do you think that?" She didn't think it had been that obvious.

"The way you interacted," Hannah stated simply. "I know you, Shel. Plus, I'm a woman, I can see when you use make-up to hide the fact that you've been crying."

JJ stared at her, speechless. At least Hannah already knew it, she wouldn't have to explain everything to her again.

"We talked at lunch," JJ finally admitted, looking down. A part of her very much regretted telling Emily.

"Hey," Hannah said softly to get her attention. "It's good. It means you're healing."

JJ looked up again, seeing Hannah's kind look. "No, it means I am breaking down."

"Which is a part of healing," Hannah finished, and JJ couldn't find an argument against that.

"I shouldn't have told her," she nevertheless said. "Now everything will change."

Hannah stepped forward and engulfed her in a hug, surprising JJ. "Change doesn't have to be bad. It got you away from Walt and away from the streets," she whispered into her hair. "Maybe this change is good as well. Don't be afraid, Shelby. Those people really care for you."

She stepped back and reached into her pocket. Handing JJ her business card, she said: "Call me if you need me. Day or night, doesn't matter."

JJ nodded, keeping her eyes downcast. "Thanks."

"No problem," Hannah responded quite cheerfully, already walking out of the bathroom.

--

They took the plane back to Quantico the moment the storm had ended. Everyone was eager to go back home and unwind for a bit. They hadn't had too much time to do that last time. The paperwork on their desk had prevented them from relaxing too much.

Morgan sighed, not looking forward to another evening full of paperwork. He knew he'd have to do it someday though, so he figured he might as well do it now.

He sat down on his chair, mentally preparing himself for a boring evening. Before he could open the first file though, JJ caught his eye.

She was sitting by an empty desk across him, having her own things to sort out. Morgan tried to keep himself on focus, but he found his thoughts drifting to every place but the stack of files in front of him.

Morgan didn't have the patience Reid had displayed. He just wanted to know who or what had caused JJ to be like this. He wanted to make sure that whatever it was wouldn't hurt her any longer.

He'd seen her behaviour change over the past few days. It wasn't much, but it was enough to make him think.

He had a couple of ideas. If they were true, he knew things would change like they had with him. He just couldn't stand seeing her struggle with things that lately seemed too heavy for her. He knew the feeling of having to handle things that were too much: he thought he had an idea of what to do about it.

He'd respected her privacy so far, but he just couldn't resist this opportunity. They'd teamed up in paperwork and she was staring into the distance, oblivious to the looks Morgan was giving her.

JJ's panic had somewhat subsided by now, but she still wasn't happy about what she had done. Emily knew now, it would only be a matter of time before everyone else knew. And while Emily had accepted her anyway, had even comforted her, she had no consolation that the others would do the same.

If she thought with logic rather than emotion, she knew the team would listen, help and accept her. Their job consisted of trying to identify with murderers, so they were quite tolerant and they had seen a lot.

JJ was just afraid to tell them. Afraid of their reactions, afraid that maybe they **would** turn her down. She had thought she could trust her mother, one of the most important people to her, and her own mother hadn't believed her, had thought she was a liar.

Morgan interrupted her thoughts. "JJ?"

"Hmm?" JJ replied, looking up at her colleague. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I asked whether you were alright," Morgan repeated.

"I wish everyone would stop asking me that question! I'm fine,' JJ snapped, harsher than she'd meant.

Morgan looked surprised: then, his expression changed into something more subtle.

"Hey, don't get angry at me," he said, keeping his eyes locked with JJ's. "I'm worried, we all are." He moved forward, his chest leaning against the table. "You know they'll still accept you if you tell them," he said softly.

JJ was shocked, but she was careful not to show it. "What?" she replied, as though she didn't know what he was talking about.

He knew. Another one of her friends knew what had happened to her. She could just see it in his eyes.

"I'm serious. It's safe to tell them," Morgan said again, not fazed by her faked confusion.

"There is nothing to tell," JJ said weakly, though she knew it was useless to say. "I'm okay."

"No, you're not. Who was it?"

She'd be offended if it hadn't been Morgan, if they hadn't been in this situation.

"Why do you think what happened to you happened to me?"

Morgan leaned back again, many emotions going through his mind. "You just gave me the answer to that. JJ… I'm sorry." Knowing someone else had gone through what he had gone through, probably even worse, made him feel horrible. "For how long?" He didn't know what to say. For once, he was at a loss for words.

"Too long," she said roughly. "Just stay out of my business, okay?" She stood up and walked away quickly, doing what she had done all those times before: try to run away from everything.

Morgan watched her run away, but didn't follow her. He knew what she felt like. She was doing what he had tried to do, and he knew that eventually she'd come back.

* * *

_I just thought Morgan should have a say in this. He is like that, so it's rather unrealistic that he's being kept out of this. Also, I recently watched Profiler, Profiled (which is seriously one of the best episodes), and it occurred to me that they wouldn't leave someone on their team alone if they were dealing with a problem._

_Well, anyway, after my rambling I only have one request... Please review!_


	18. Another Case

**_Well, I think/hope I've kept you sufficiently worried by not updating earlier.  
School has begun again, and while it isn't so busy yet (seriously - 33 hours of lesson, 17 cancelled.), it will definitely become busier. Apparently, I've just begun one of the busiest years._**

**_Anyway, I recommend re-reading the previous chapter first, because when I read the first sentences of this chapter I hardly remembered what it was about.  
I'm kind of stuck with this story (again) - don't worry, there are some more chapters coming up, but after that... This is by far the longest story I've ever written, and it frightens me..._**

As always, thanks for the wonderful review and thank you for reading! Enjoy this chapter!

She had run to her office, the only place on the building that was solely hers. If she would just pretend to be busy with all the case files, they'd hopefully leave her alone. She had a lot to do, anyway. Maybe it would give her a distraction, no matter how gruesome the distraction was.

She was quickly interrupted though, by Hotch, who stuck his head around the door of her office.

"Conference room in ten minutes," he told her.

"I didn't receive any new cases," JJ said, frowning, quickly thinking whether he could know what had happened between her and Morgan. But Hotch nodded, apparently all focused on the conversation.

"An old friend called me personally," he told her, already walking away to find the next team member.

JJ thought for a moment. It wasn't too unusual that cases came in through a friend, but this was Hotch's first one. She already wondered what a friend of Hotch was like.

--

In the conference room, JJ automatically stood at her usual spot, with her back to the board, the way she usually started presenting to the team. Hotch stood next to her, waiting until everyone was present before he started talking. However, before he could start, Reid interrupted him. "Where's Rossi?"

"He asked for some time off," Hotch told them, and JJ was only slightly curious as to what Rossi was going to do in his free time. When Hotch started talking again, she redirected her attention back to him.

"And old friend in Baltimore called me because his unit doesn't know what to do anymore." Everyone nodded: they had often been called as a last resort.

"Eight women have been raped in the past two weeks. Before that, usually one or two women per week reported being assaulted or raped. This guy leaves no physical evidence and the women can't identify him."

"They only looked for help after he started raping more?" Reid asked, disbelieving. Hotch started answering, but JJ didn't hear him. She just stood there, numb and oblivious to the looks Morgan and Emily gave her.

She couldn't do it. She couldn't deal with such a case now, after everything… Feeling her breakfast coming up, she ran out of the room to the ladies' bathroom. Reaching the cubicle just in time, she kneeled down and threw up violently.

When the retching subsided, she grabbed some toilet paper to clean her mouth. She'd be stuck with the smell and taste for the rest of her day now. _Great_…

She quickly rose when she heard footsteps coming her way, which she knew belonged to Emily.

Emily entered the cubicle and kneeled next to JJ, pulling her hair back in case JJ was still vomiting. "JJ, are you okay?" She asked carefully. She didn't know how JJ would react at this point: she'd seen the exchange between Morgan and her, though she hadn't heard everything.

JJ didn't answer her, knowing Emily had it figured out anyway. Instead, she stood up and shakily walked to the faucet. Emily followed her and watched as she rinsed and splashed water across her face.

"You don't have to go, you know," she said, handing JJ a paper towel.

"I do. Rape cases are big news," JJ said, using her skills with the media as an excuse. But it wasn't the only reason.

She needed to toughen up and be less affected. Thousands of women were raped each day. She couldn't throw up about every one of them.

She'd have to be like the others were. They didn't get sick every time they heard the word 'rape'.

Walking back into the room, JJ smiled apologetically. "Ate something wrong at breakfast," she said to everyone, purposely avoiding looking at Morgan.

Hotch nodded, though a little suspicious. "We're leaving in thirty minutes by car," he informed the team. Then he left for his own office.

JJ stared at the woman on the screen, his latest victim, and wondered what she could do to distance herself.

There was only one thing she could think of, and she had made promises not to do _that_ ever again. She couldn't break the promises she had made to the only people who had accepted Shelby for who she was.

It was very tempting, though. Peter was far away, too far to know anything. She hadn't heard from any of them again. She didn't even know whether they were all still alive.

She had thought of it sometimes, to go to Scott or Daisy and simply talk, get the support she had needed so much in those first years. When she had had the nightmares almost every night, only being able to suppress them with sleeping pills. When images of him on her and Jess, images of all the others came to her mind and didn't leave.

But she hadn't. She was too afraid of their reactions: what if they were bothered by her coming back with her problems, while they were doing fine in their own worlds?

She didn't want to admit the problems she still had. Why couldn't she just be who she was now? Why did the memories never go away, why couldn't she have become Jennifer Jareau and have become a completely new person with it?

It drove her crazy, the way she could still smell him, feel him caress her body as if it was normal. As if it really was love. It nearly made her vomit, but she'd managed to push away the memories over the years.

Now it came back though, with these women being raped, men invading their bodies without their permission, men destroying their lives… Like Walt had destroyed hers, like he was still destroying it…

"JJ, everything okay?" Hotch had come back to the conference room to pick up the pen he'd forgotten there. He had found JJ staring at the screen as if in a trance.

Instead of answering him, she just continued staring at the screen, obviously lost in her own world. He moved in front of her and gently took her shoulders.

She yelped and Hotch jumped back, momentarily overtaken by surprise. "Keep your hands off me!" She nearly shouted before realizing who she was shouting to.

"Hotch… I'm sorry," she said, discreetly wiping away one single tear that had formed in the corner of her eye. "I thought you were someone else."

She knew another one of his speeches was going to come and mentally prepared herself for it. Hotch was a very predictable man at times.

"Whatever this is, it's affecting you personally and I have a right to know whatever is going on. I have respected your privacy so far, but this is getting out of hand."

He looked at her, expecting a reply. Well, she was going to give him one.

"Hotch, I've got it under control, I'll have it under control. I won't bother you again." She turned her back on him and walked away with a straight back.

Once she was in the sanctuary of her office, she slumped down on a chair. What had she done? Had she really pushed away someone who genuinely wanted to help her?

The car ride was awkward to say the least. JJ was in a car with Hotch, Reid and Garcia, who had decided to come along on this case to assist with technical needs.

As usual, Hotch hardly showed any emotion, but JJ thought she knew him well enough to know he was upset, worried and quite possibly angry at her for treating him like that.

Maybe he didn't know what to do, how to help her. He was her boss, the leader of a team full of problems. He had a great sense of responsibility, and he felt he was responsible for her sanity.

She was touched at his worry, not only for her but for all her colleagues. She sometimes privately thought that if he had directed that worry and care at Haley, they maybe would've made it. But it wasn't her job to investigate her boss' private life.

Reid and Garcia were talking about something technical, and JJ didn't have the intention to listen to it. Blocking them out, she turned her head and absently looked at the scenery outside.

--

It hadn't exactly been a coincidence that Emily and Morgan were in a car together. Although it seemed like one, Emily knew Morgan had waited for her intentionally, even though he could've chosen to go with the other car.

The moment they had started to drive, Morgan started talking. He came straight to the point.

"You know what's wrong with JJ?" he asked. It wasn't a question as much as a statement.

"I think I do," Emily answered carefully. She honestly didn't want to spill the beans before she had JJ's permission, and if she'd been JJ, she'd have been afraid to tell anyone.

"So do I," Morgan said, and Emily was surprised at his harsh voice.

"How?" she asked, thinking she would maybe hear what the argument he and JJ had had was about.

"I kind of figured out," Morgan said, keeping his eyes on the quiet road ahead of him.

Emily nodded. It didn't take someone with personal experience to have suspicions, though it did help.

"She admitted it to me, but she ran away right after that."

He turned to her for the first time, and she saw some of the desperation she felt in his eyes. "We need to help her."

Emily nodded again, incapable to think of anything she could say without revealing too much.

"I… talked… to her," she stated slowly. "That's a step forward."

"It is," Morgan agreed with her. "But you know just as well as I do that it's not enough."

Emily sighed, the first true sign of her insecurity. "I know, I just… we shouldn't force her."

"Well if she won't talk then maybe we should," he said rather roughly.

"She's closer to talking than earlier. She just doesn't know how to start it. And it's hard… after staying silent for so long."

"I know," Morgan replied, and Emily silently cursed herself for not thinking of him before. "But she needs it, he's destroying her!"

She agreed with him, but she was just as desperate as he was.

* * *

**_Wow, that last part looks stupid, with a break almost every sentence.  
I have no idea if friends can call in like that, but now they can. Also, Morgan is OOC, I know, but just imagine it's his emotions talking. Okay? :P_**


	19. Arriving

**_Chapter 19... I would've updated earlier (really... I would have), but for some reason I couldn't log into the site. I owe some people a review... :P_**

Thanks, everyone for the reviews! I'm happy people are still reading this. I think I would've dropped out way sooner. I can't believe this is chapter 19 already... This is by far the longest story I've ever written. And there are more chapters to come! in awe  
Oh, and little me and ash, I couldn't reply to your reviews but thanks :)

**_Now, without further ado... Read!_**

And I don't own it. Too bad. I would've started it again much earlier than September!

* * *

When they had parked the cars, they all walked to the entrance to the police station, where a single man stood.

"Aaron!" He said as soon as he caught sight of him. "Boy, you have not changed at all."

Hotch gave one of his rare smiles as he returned the hand shake. "I would hope not," he retorted, before turning serious.

"This is my team. SSA Prentiss, SSA Morgan, Doctor Reid, SSA Jareau and TA Garcia."

The man nodded, unfazed by all the abbreviations.

"This is John Newman, leading detective on the case and a fellow college graduate."

_So that's how they know each other_, JJ thought, eyeing the two men. She could see that the men had been good friends at one point, but were now a little uncomfortable around each other.

Her thoughts surprised her. When had she become an unofficial profiler? She guessed it was logical: she picked up some of the things she heard, but it still amazed her at times.

"Please call me John, I'm not so much into formalities," John Newman said, addressing the rest of the team. "I've got everything set up inside," he continued, and everyone followed him inside.

They actually had a large room to themselves, larger than usual. It had a coffee machine, air conditioning and a large table with chairs around it. Apparently, John Newman had wanted to give his old friend and his team nothing but the best.

He walked in as well, talking softly with Hotch as he did. JJ hadn't listened to their conversation, but she did notice how much younger Hotch looked, probably remembering the good old days.

"Well," John eventually started, pacing up and down in front of the board. "So far, twelve women have been assaulted and/or raped. We didn't connect the dots before, because they were assaults once or maybe twice a week, different targets and different times."

He took a deep breath before continuing. "However, one week ago he raped three women, and this week five. He's quickly escalating and we have no idea how, or why."

"Why did you suddenly connect all these assaults to one man?" Prentiss asked.

"The last eight victims all have one thing in common with a victim before them," John replied. "He cut off a strand of hair and he kept muttering a word… no, more a sentence while he was raping them."

"What sentence?" Reid asked quickly.

"The victims couldn't really understand… It didn't sound like English at all. It was something like 'nanpaly vangirayn'. They couldn't make any sense out of it."

Everyone looked at Emily, who was the closest they had to a linguist.

"I don't recognize it," she said, frowning. "It sounds like an Asian language, maybe Dravidian…"

"Dravidian?" Morgan asked. Emily nodded. "It's a family of languages mainly spoken in and around India," Emily clarified.

"India…" Reid said thoughtfully. He turned to John. "What do the victims say of his physical appearance?"

"That's the problem; most of them don't talk. All the information we have got from one woman, the others are keeping quiet. We know that he is white, around forty. She could remember that his eyes were brown."

"Where would a white male pick up a Dravidian language?" Reid muttered to himself.

"How did he attack them?" Hotch asked, drawing the attention away from Reid.

"He came up from behind," John answered, clenching his fists. JJ understood. Attacking from behind was cowardly. "He's strong, holds them as he drags her to wherever he's going to do it."

"Where is that?" Hotch continued the questions.

"Quiet places. Mostly parks, two were attacked in their own back yard."

Hotch nodded. "We're going to have to go over all the victims as well as talk to some of them," he told John, who nodded and pointed at the table, where a stack of papers lay. "Those are the victims that have reported."

"You suspect there are women who haven't reported this, then?" JJ asked. This was in her field. John Newman turned his attention to her, for the first time it seemed. "Maybe I could draw them forward with a press conference," she elaborated, and his face somewhat relaxed.

"In my experience, there are always women who don't go to the police because they are ashamed," he told her, and JJ nodded. She could relate perfectly to those women.

"Alright. Morgan, you and Reid go over the files. Prentiss, I want you with me to interview the latest victim. JJ, you prepare for a press conference, and Garcia, try to find-"

"- similarities between the victims," she finished for him. "Got it." She turned to John. "Is there any place I can work?"

"We have a room available," he said to her, and then he turned to JJ. "You could also work there."

Before he could continue, his cell phone rang. He picked up, listened for a moment and his face fell. "Thanks," he said eventually and broke the connection.

"We've got a new victim," he said directly to Hotch, who was thinking quickly.

"Alright, chance of plan. Morgan, you and I go to the crime scene. Emily and Reid will bring the victim here and talk to her. JJ, you can start with the press conference and Garcia, we still need similarities." He looked at John. "You coming with us?"

"Yeah, I'll just show you ladies the room," John replied, leading them out of the room.

JJ and Garcia followed him. Whenever Garcia was out in the field with them,

JJ and she stayed together quite often, being the only two agents who were no profilers. Garcia was good company, so JJ never complained.

She sat down on the chair and thought about how exactly she could convince the unknown victims to step forward. She'd done it many times before, but it required a lot of thought, using the right words and the right expressions.

Sighing, she directed her thoughts away from the press conference for the moment. Turning to Garcia, she asked: "Got anything yet?"

Garcia laughed. "I've hardly started up, so you gotta wait for now. Impatient, aren't you?" it was a rhetorical question, because she immediately turned around and continued. "Speaking of you, what have you done to my dear Derek?"

JJ flushed. "What do you mean?"

"You pretty much upset him," Garcia answered, watching her friend closely. "What did you say to him?"

"Nothing," JJ dismissed.

"That's not what he told me," Garcia said smoothly.

JJ stared at her. "He told you about it?"

"Face it girl, he and I are very close."

"Yeah, speaking about being very close. Isn't it time you make your move?" she said, desperately trying to change the subject. Now it was Garcia's turn to stare at her.

"Friends, JJ. We're just friends."

JJ grinned, even though she knew it was the truth. "Sure…"

"And don't change the subject, anyway." Garcia wheeled closer to JJ, more serious than usual. "You know that whatever it is, you can tell me, right?"

"Yeah, I know," JJ said, sensing it was useless to deny. She should've known, Morgan and Garcia were closer than anyone in their own special way.

"Should I worry, kitten?"

JJ winced at the use of the nickname. Garcia had called her that before, but in light of recent events it wasn't a pleasant word to hear.

Garcia looked at JJ, not missing the shiver. "JJ, what happened?"

"Look, it's just…" JJ trailed off. She just couldn't say it like that. "…things…" She finished lamely.

Garcia rolled her eyes. "Well, that is **very** clear." JJ almost grinned at Garcia's sarcasm, but didn't because she knew it would only make matters worse.

"Care to elaborate?"

Why did Garcia say the things that reminded her of everything in her past? She'd heard that sentence so often in group…

Before she could get lost in her thoughts, JJ sat up straight and answered Garcia's gaze. "It's just some things I've been thinking about lately," she told her friend brusquely. "Don't worry about it."

"I do," Garcia replied, "because-"

Before she could finish her sentence, the computer beeped. Both sets of eyes were immediately drawn to it, one relieved, one angry at the interruption.

"Seven out of twelve victims' names have popped up in cases involving prostitution," Garcia said, scanning the screen. "Them being…" she scanned the screen, "… the prostitutes."

_Great, even closer to home_, JJ thought sarcastically, but she didn't voice the thought. "So they were also prostitutes? Forced or for extra money?"

"Don't know, but we'd better call Hotch," Garcia replied, already busy looking into the details.

--

JJ called Hotch as Garcia's phone rang. Picking it up, she heard Morgan's sweet voice. "Hey baby, we need you to find some info on the new victim," Morgan told her, cutting to the chase.

"Give me a name," Garcia replied, ready to type.

"Kathleen McAdams," Morgan said through the phone.

"Got it," Garcia said after a short moment. "Twenty-three, single, lives with her parents, works at a supermarket." She gasped as new information popped up on the screen.

"What is it?" Morgan asked, concerned. JJ also looked at her, having hung up after Hotch didn't reply to his cell.

"We found a connection between seven, now eight, of the victims, sugar face. They were all reported in cases as prostitutes."

"What?" Morgan said sharply, taking in this new information.

"Yeah, I know," Garcia said quickly. She typed for a moment. It went too fast for JJ to understand.

"Can't find a connection for the other victims," she told Morgan.

"I need specifics about the cases," Morgan said, his voice sounding ever so impatient.

"Three women were caught as an escort, the others as street walkers," Garcia read. "They all came off with paying a fine and the promise to stop prostituting."

"Were these women poor?" Morgan asked, going into a different direction. "Did they need the money?"

"Let me see… Five women had a husband with a regular income, one had a husband confided in a wheelchair –must've been hard– and the other two weren't married," Garcia rattled off. "Looks like most of them didn't **need** money."

"Why would you choose to do this?" JJ muttered, thinking. Why would anyone go on the streets voluntarily, humiliating themselves like that?

Garcia threw her a strange look before turning her attention back to the screen. "That's all I've got for now, studmuffin."

"Thanks, doll," Morgan said on the other side. "Talk to you later." He hung up.

Garcia stared at the screen for a moment, absorbed in her thoughts. Then she turned back to JJ. "You're right, who **would** choose to do this? Maybe they were forced or something."

"I don't think anyone would do this voluntarily," JJ said, disgusted. She shook her head. "I'm going to the, uh, toilet," she told Garcia and she walked away without waiting for a reply. She needed to clear her head.

* * *

**_Those two strange words do mean something. I'm just not telling what. Yet. _**


	20. Interrogation

**_There's a whole lot of things I have/want to say, so bear with me for a moment..._**

First of all, I am sorry for the long wait. School has started, and I could say I'm busy, but that's not the whole truth (I AM busy, though, and not very loving of school at the moment). I just kind of forgot, with all kinds of things going on.

Second of all, this is the longest chapter by far. It's also the chapter I'm most anxious about, and for you probably the chapter you were waiting for. So, I beg you, PLEASE review. I'm proud of this and yet still quite insecure. Please tell me what you think - doesn't matter if it's good or bad. Just tell me.

**_I apologize for any inconsistencies - see, I'm not native to America, I've never been there (though I am going there in about a month: YAY!!), all my info I've got from the internet and my own logic. So I have no idea whether it's all true._**

**_And a reminder for what happened previously (since it's been a pretty long while): The team is in Baltimore by invitation of an old college friend of Hotch's. Women through Baltimore are being raped, first one or two a week but then it escalated. Garcia found a link between eight of the victims - they were all involved in cases with prostitutes (again, no idea how all the legal stuff works in the USA - just bear with me). They found out the unsub keeps repeating something while he's raping the women - they couldn't understand what it was.  
And on the more personal front - Garcia, having heard bits and pieces from Morgan, tried to get JJ to talking but didn't really succeed. Eventually, JJ went away. That's where this chapter begins.  
Oh, and she has to write for a pres conference to get women who haven't spoken up yet about them being raped to go to them._**

* * *

JJ went outside and leaned against the walls of the station. She seriously needed to do something about this situation. She couldn't just stand there while women throughout Baltimore were raped – she had to find the right words to help them.

She thought of the case they had had in Mexico. There, a woman, a victim herself, had been able to get several other women to talk. Maybe something like that was possible this time – maybe they could get Kathleen McAdams to talk in front of the press.

But could they do that to her? It would be extremely painful, not to mention awkward for herself.

There had to be another way. There had to be some right words, a right combination to get these women to talk…

--

When she saw Emily and Reid enter the building with a woman JJ assumed was Kathleen McAdams, she followed them inside. Soon after that, Hotch and Morgan followed. They met in 'their' office. Hotch was the first to talk.

"Crime scene tells us he is definitely meticulous and smart," he started off. "It was away from the crowd, yet not too far away to not be able to get away easily. He must have knowledge of the area, therefore he must be a local."

"Guys, Garcia found a connection between eight of the women. They've all been involved in cases with prostitution – they were street walkers and escorts," Morgan contributed.

"Eight?" Hotch asked. "What about the others?"

"No connection yet," Morgan said, shaking his head. "But Hotch, none of these women were poor. They didn't need the money." He paused for a moment. "Kathleen McAdams is one of the eight."

"It is estimated that about 85 of all prostitutes were forced or had no other way out. Women who choose to be prostitutes are quite rare in Western society," Reid quipped.

"In other words, it's highly unlikely that all of these women chose to do this," Hotch said, looking around. "We may have to do with someone who had something to do with the cases in which the prostitutes were involved – possibly someone from law enforcement. The fact that so far, none of his victims have been able to identify him, can point to his insecurity because he hides his face. He possibly has a job in which he feels he isn't appreciated enough."

"You're saying he could be one of us?" John asked, disbelieving.

"It's a possibility," Hotch said, looking at him. "But we aren't going to jump to conclusions here."

"Prentiss, you and I will talk to Kathleen. JJ, I want you to watch with Reid for any signs."

"Excuse me, but doesn't she need a bit of comfort right now?" Emily asked. "She's just been raped. She can't use us jumping all over her."

"That's why you're coming with me," Hotch replied directly to her. "Let's go."

While they were walking to the interrogation room, Emily gave JJ a sympathetic look that clearly said "Sorry to put you through all of this". JJ quietly nodded, trying to reassure Emily. She would get through this.

--

JJ stood behind the glass as Hotch and Emily sat up inside the interrogation room. She thought it was a bit senseless to put Kathleen in a room designed to question suspects, but thankfully the room was less cold than most interrogation rooms.

She and Reid waited in silence as Kathleen was brought in and sat down.

JJ looked at her and memories came back to her like a flood. The attitude, the make-up… This was a woman who had been broken by a man who abreacted his anger on innocent women. She felt herself getting angry, but forced it back. Nobody could use her anger.

"Kathleen, I am Emily Prentiss and this is Aaron Hotchner," Emily said, gently. "We're with the FBI, the Behavioural Analysis Unit. Do you know what that means?"

She tried to get Kathleen to talking, who merely stared at the table in front of her, apparently not even hearing the agents in front of her.

"I'm very sorry, but we are going to have to ask you a few questions," she continued. "You can help us to catch the guy who did this to you."

Kathleen looked up, a defensive look on her face. "I already told you everything I wanted to say," she said hoarsely. "Why do you make me go through it again?"

"Well, you didn't say much, but we are here so you can tell us what happened," Emily answered her. She kept her sigh inside as Kathleen didn't react.

"We know that you are also a prostitute," Hotch said softly. Kathleen's expression changed from anger to fear so quickly JJ hardly saw the change. "We think you may have met him before, as one of your clients."

Kathleen regained her composure, and her exterior returned to the stony person she had been before. She didn't budge as Hotch and Emily tried various interrogation techniques on her, hoping they could get her to talk. They didn't succeed.

Eventually, Hotch and Emily stood up, leaving Kathleen alone in the room, who sat still as a statue.

They entered the room where Reid and JJ were still studying Kathleen. "She's not talking," Emily sighed.

"You definitely hit a nerve when you started talking about her as a prostitute," Reid said, not taking his eyes off Kathleen's silent figure. "She got scared, and it took her a few moments to go back to her defensive state."

"There must be some way to get her to talk," Hotch said, a slight hint of frustration in his voice.

"Sir, can I try?" JJ suddenly asked, turning around.

"Why, what do you have in mind?" Hotch asked, eyeing her. Admittedly, he had put her in this room with a purpose. But he still wanted to know what her plan was.

"Just a hunch," JJ replied vaguely. Then she stood straighter. "I can imagine she doesn't want to talk with a man right now, and you were there."

"Okay, so you will go in with Prentiss," Hotch said, wanting to see her reply to that.

"No! I mean," JJ said, covering up, "a single woman may be better, make her feel safer. The less people know, the safer she is."

Hotch ignored the inner voice that spoke up at this comment – the word _is_ instead of _feels_. "Alright," he finally said. "We'll be here."

JJ nodded, quickly leaving the room, but not before she saw Emily's encouraging look. A moment later, she entered the interrogation room, cautious but determined to help.

"Hey, Kathleen," she said rather softly. "My name is Jennifer Jareau, but you can call me JJ. I'm not a profiler like those agents before, I'm just an agent." She thought that the lower the rank, the easier it would be for Kathleen to trust. JJ knew that high-ranked officers were often scarier than ordinary cops for people who lived on the streets, and it was obvious to her that Kathleen lived on the streets. She saw the signs everywhere: the look in her eyes, the way she was dressed… exactly how she herself had looked.

She sat down in a chair opposite Kathleen. "Would you like something to drink?" she asked. Kathleen nodded, keeping her eyes downcast. JJ got up and poured her a glass of water from the bottle that had stood in a corner. "Here you go," she said, handing Kathleen the glass and sitting down again.

Kathleen drank silently, her eyes still fixed on the table. JJ decided that she needed a more personal approach, and she drew a deep breath before starting to talk. _They_ didn't matter at the moment. Kathleen, the other victims and this bastard mattered.

"Listen to me," she started, drawing Kathleen's attention to her. "I know what it's like to be hiding and protecting. Trust me when I say you'll eventually feel better."

She didn't miss the flicker in Kathleen's eyes, but simply waited silently for Kathleen to look up. She had recognized Kathleen's secret even in the few moments she had seen her: it was a secret she was all too familiar with. She knew she needed to gain Kathleen's trust before she would talk. It would be easier to talk to someone who understood, JJ knew that. She just hoped it wasn't too obvious for the others. If they would just leave, instead of standing behind that glass and watch her every movement… They would be able to talk more freely then.

JJ wanted to help Kathleen. Wanted to make sure Kathleen would get out of this never-ending cycle, and she felt like she could trust her. It would all be easier if she **knew** nobody was looking.

But that was an impossible wish. JJ was drawn away from her thoughts when Kathleen did look up.

"Didn't I say I already told you everything I wanted to say?" she said, but it was a weak excuse and JJ saw right through it.

"Yeah, you did. But as the other agents told you, we **need** to know what happened. We want to help you," JJ replied. She was glad Kathleen was talking. She could see her walls were crumbling down very quickly, she knew that in a moment she would be ready to talk.

"How long have you been on the streets?" JJ asked, realizing she needed **some** way in.

"I don't, I live at home," Kathleen answered quickly. Though she managed to keep her composure, JJ just knew she was lying.

"Officially, yeah. You haven't been there for quite a while now, though," JJ said, observing the woman in front of her. "When did you start turning tricks?"

She hoped that the use of a slang term would ease Kathleen a bit. She would find some excuse for her colleagues later.

"Seventeen," Kathleen mumbled, not even looking up. JJ was surprised – she hadn't expected Kathleen to give in so quickly.

"Why?" It was a simple question, she tried to keep it short. Yet, Kathleen tensed up immediately and didn't respond.

"Your mom remarried. Did he abuse you?" It was a guess, based on her own experience. JJ knew that the information they needed was about the unsub, not the victims. But she wanted to **help** Kathleen, and therefore she needed to know her history.

"Did he?" She repeated when Kathleen didn't react.

When Kathleen finally looked up, JJ was startled to see tears in her eyes. _Well, that answers that question_, she thought, and the pain of her own history slowly started to come back.

"Kathy, it's… Can I call you Kathy?"

She nodded, and JJ continued. "Can you tell me for how long your step father did this to you?"

Kathleen shook her head, panicking. JJ recognized, **knew** what Kathleen was thinking: she had betrayed him, now he would do things… She felt uneasy, knowing so well what was going through Kathleen's head. She quickly tried to put herself in Kathleen's position and decided to sit closer to Kathleen and touch her, to comfort her. She hoped Kathleen wouldn't reject her, and she didn't. She simply sat as JJ stroked her hand on the table.

--

At the other side of the glass, Reid, Hotch and Emily watched. Reid was dumbstruck: when had JJ learned to get this good? He thought of the possibilities, some too horrible to think about: yet, they seemed the best explanation for what was happening. He wordlessly turned to Hotch, who looked back at him. In his eyes, Reid saw the same thoughts he had thought moments before, being confirmed.

He looked back at JJ, the innocent one in their team, who was still comforting Kathleen. He couldn't believe it… yet it was the truth.

--

After a while, Kathleen retreated her hand and rubbed her arms. "Are you cold?" JJ asked immediately.

"No…" she answered hesitantly. JJ understood.

"I know it is hard, but you need to tell me what happened. It will help, really. Eventually you'll feel better." She looked Kathleen in the eye, hoping to convey some of her thoughts without having to voice them. She desperately wanted Kathleen to trust her. They were running out of time, and Kathleen might be the key to the unsub.

"You…" she didn't continue, obviously aware of the fact that they were being watched. JJ simply nodded, knowing what question she was being asked. She noticed Kathleen's changing behaviour, knowing she had done the right thing. She didn't look at the glass, but she knew that behind it all eyes were on her, thinking, speculating… Well, **almost** all eyes, since Emily already knew the truth.

In those few seconds, Kathleen seemed to have made a decision. Maybe she was tired of fighting, maybe she just wanted to get him behind bars, but she gave in to JJ.

"Four years," Kathleen whispered, answering JJ's earlier question.

"The whole way?" JJ asked her, and Kathleen nodded. The tears were starting to fall again. JJ pulled her against her, not caring about protocol for the moment. This woman needed comfort, and she was there to give it to her.

"You ran?" She continued to ask when the tears had decreased a bit. Kathleen worried her. She hadn't been crying, there were merely tears falling down her cheek.

"I had nowhere else to go," Kathleen whispered. "Didn't know what else to do."

"I know," JJ said, comforting. The only way out… It was so familiar she felt tears forming in her own eyes. _Don't think about that now_, she told herself.

"The first days I holed up, but Jo – someone found me."

"Took care of you?" JJ said, thinking of Pat, who'd done the same thing with her.

"Told me what to do. It was easy money…"

"And you knew what to do," JJ finished for her. "The man who attacked you today, he was another trick?"

"I thought he was, but he walked past so then I thought he was just curious… Then he came up from behind…" She stopped talking.

"He threatened you, didn't he?" JJ asked gently. It was merely a guess, but she had thought of it before, when John had said that only one woman had talked. The women **did** report, but said not to have seen the rapist, even though they **had** seen him. It clearly told JJ that they were afraid of revenge, that he had threatened to do things to their loved ones.

"He threatened to do things to others? Your family?" She knew she was right when Kathleen tensed. "You can tell me, he won't know," she added to comfort her.

"He knew I have a little sister… My mother… It's not fair," she suddenly started to shout.  
"I always kept quiet, I never told anyone, I don't deserve this!" She banged her fists on the table. "It's not fair!" she repeated.

"No, it's not," JJ agreed with her. She grabbed one of Kathleen's wrists. "Kathy, look at me," she told the woman, who slowly turned towards her.

"We can help you put this man behind bars, as well as your step father. Do you know what happens to child abusers in jail?" She nearly smiled when she saw Kathleen's eyes become slightly happier… A bit more satisfied. "It's okay to think like that," JJ told her. She had thought it herself many times… It wasn't enough but it helped.

"Can you tell us what the man who attacked you looked like?" JJ continued. As much as she'd like to talk about Kathleen's life, there was a rapist to catch.

"He was a honky," Kathleen started. "He had black clothes, uhm, I don't…"

That's okay," JJ soothed. "Was there anything about him you found odd?"

"He kept muttering something… I couldn't hear what it was…"

JJ looked at the glass for the first time with a meaningful look before she turned back to Kathleen.

"What did he do after… when he was finished?" She asked, realizing this was a difficult question.

"He got up, started…threatening me…" Kathleen's voice grew softer again.

"What exactly did he say?"

Kathleen winced, so JJ grabbed onto her hand.

"He said… 'if you tell anyone, Maria and your mother will suffer, too', Maria's my sister."

"And after that?" JJ prodded.

"He just left," she said, quite steadily.

"Kathy… I'm sorry I have to ask you this, but did he clean up afterwards?"

"He used a condom and he had gloves on," Kathleen replied, catching on what JJ meant. He didn't leave anything… nothing at all." JJ knew what she was thinking.

"Kathy, you have to understand this very well. This is not your fault. You did what you thought was the only way away from home, and it's not your fault that the unsub left no evidence. Do you understand me?"

Kathleen nodded, but unconvinced. "But I told you, and now he's gonna hurt Maria… He can, he knows them he…" She started crying now, and JJ was glad she was finally letting her anger and pain out. She held Kathleen against her as she cried, gently rocking back and forth and stroking her hair. "It's gonna be okay," she whispered. She hesitated for a moment, then added: "I turned out okay, too. I've got you." She felt some of her own tears falling down her cheek, but made no attempt to wipe them away.

When she looked at the clock in the corner of the room after a while, she noticed that she had been in the room for nearly one and a half hour: as much as she'd like to stay here and comfort Kathleen, she needed to work on the press conference: they still weren't close enough to catching this bastard.

She gently let go of Kathleen, having to ask one more question. "Kathy, do you think you could draw the man who attacked you?"

Kathleen looked at her. Her eyes were bloodshot, but there was a determination in them that told JJ Kathleen was a fighter. She nodded. "I can draw," she said, quietly.

"That's good, I'll get you a pen and some paper," JJ said. "Listen, I'm gonna have to go now, but if you ever need me, just give me a call, okay?" she said, handing Kathleen her business card. "Day or night, doesn't matter. All it takes is a phone call."

With those words, JJ left. She knew she had to go into the observation room, but she wasn't looking forward to it: she hoped they would skip the personal part and just go on to the profile.

When she entered the room, three sets of eyes immediately focused on her. "I'm okay," she said weary, before anyone could ask that question. When she looked at Reid, however, she saw in his eyes that he knew. That could only mean that Hotch knew, too.

She avoided their eyes and stood in front of the glass, looking at the woman who had just poured her heart out. For a moment, there was silence, until Hotch spoke. "A honky?"

"Means he's white, but we already knew that." She turned around, having no other choice.

"Guys, he said that Maria and her mother would suffer, **too**," she said, emphasizing the last word.

Emily nodded. "He knows the pain he's inflicting." She paused for a moment. "He's probably been abused himself."

* * *

**_I tried to keep the case in, to have it case-based, but the characters had other ideas. Anyway, tell me what you think. I need reviews!  
And it's a good boost, since I am now quite stuck at chapter 22. _**


	21. Identity

**_Well, it's been a week, high time to update again (that's not an English expression, is it?)_**

I thank you all SO MUCH for all the reviews. You have no idea how much it boosted my confidence. I can ask every one of you to review again, but then I'm going to look stupid, so I'm not forcing you. I'd like it very much, though (don't mind my confusing talk. I'm hungry)

**_So this is chapter twenty-one already, and it is putting me in quite an awkward position. See, I like to have some more chapters ahead of me. But now, I am still writing on twenty-two - and with school going on, work, personal things and a muse that likes to play hide-and-seek, I'm afraid updates won't be very regularly. I'll try, though. I really well, 'cause I like this story a lot, and just recently (after posting chapter twenty, actually), I started writing again. Maybe it's not good, but it's better than nothing, right?_**

Okay, rambling. Just enjoy this chapter!

* * *

She had walked out again. During her time with Kathleen, she had stayed calm and supportive: now, however, it became too much for her.

The memories were overwhelming. She remembered, or rather saw, _felt_, the tension every night. Waiting for him. He always came, almost every night. She had learnt a long time ago not to fight: it only made matters worse. During the day, she could fight. She could hide herself behind a shield. But at night, she was his. Powerless in his hands.

He was standing over her, looking down at her. She didn't pretend to be asleep. She knew it didn't help. She just waited, tried to feel nothing, to keep herself impassive as he lay next to her in bed, as his hands wandered over her body. She tried to remember that this wasn't her, that he was doing this just to her exterior.

She knew it wasn't true.

The pain… She felt it again, the pain between her legs after he was finished, her whole body sore and so cold, like she'd never be warm again. His fault. His pain. The pain that she had felt only with him – on the streets, later on, it was different. She pretended to be fine without it, she cooperated. She had had to, she had needed the money.

The first time she had pushed it away in a box, somewhere in her mind she rarely went. It had felt so good she had decided to keep it there, get rid of the pain, guilt and everything she connected to that part of her life.

She should've known it wouldn't work.

--

JJ knew she should probably wait until she was in the safety of her own apartment, or even in the hotel room with Emily and Garcia, but her mind told her differently. Her mind flooded her with images, pouring out like a dam had broken. Maybe it had. Kathleen had broken it.

She slid down onto the ground, her back leaning against the wall. Hiding her head in her hands, she hoped no one would try and come, that no agent would decide to do something about this unknown woman.

Slowly, anger took over from desperation. _Why? Why her? Why had he done all this, and why did he still affect her?_ He had never answered those questions, even though she had asked them. It had made her believe she was useless, ugly, dirty: she had made up the answers because he hadn't given her one.

She wanted to be rid of the pain, the scars, the hatred. She wanted to be a normal person, someone who could love a man and not be afraid of everything that came with it.

She looked up when she recognized Hotch's footsteps.

She should've known he'd wanted to talk to her after the talk with Kathleen. Her secret was out, everyone knew – save Garcia, perhaps. She watched wearily as Hotch walked towards her, seeing her on the floor and recognizing it as a sign of defeat.

Morgan followed him. This surprised her – but she could've expected it.

Hotch slid down next to her, something else that surprised her. She guessed this would be the parental talk. She could only hope it went better than the last time she'd talked about it to a parent.

"You did well, inside," Hotch finally broke the silence. His voice was quiet, calm – a soothing tone in it JJ rarely heard. Morgan was at a distance, watching, waiting for _something_.

"Thanks," she said, staring at the bushes across her. "Guess it helps to have a similar victim." It didn't matter anymore, she decided: she didn't have to dodge questions any longer, hold her tongue all the time. Somehow, it felt like a good prospect.

"It does," Hotch agreed. He was at a loss for words, something that didn't often happen. He had no idea of JJ's mood, apart from the anger – he didn't know what words to say. He went with his instinct.

"JJ, I apologize."

"What?" She still didn't look at him, but she sounded surprised, maybe a little hurt.

"I should've seen the signs. I'm a profiler, I should _see_ these things, especially with one of our own. I'm sorry."

Suddenly, something in snapped in JJ. Maybe it was him admitting his defeat, the way he treated her as if she was broken beyond repair… but suddenly, she just couldn't keep it in.

"Damn right you should've noticed!" she yelled, her voice rising dramatically. "You should've seen! Helped me! Not leave me to drown in my own misery!" She stood up, pacing up and down quickly. He stood up, too, getting an idea of what she needed. "You're right, I _should_ have helped. But why didn't you say anything?"

JJ stared at him. Was he really that oblivious?

"I hate him," she said quietly. Then her voice became louder. "I hate him! I hate him!" She punched Hotch in his chest, surprisingly hard for such a delicate woman. He stayed still, voluntarily being her punching bag. "You… he… I HATE him! It's his fault! He made me… he… I wish he was dead!"

Her punches weakened, her voice growing hoarse with tears. She pushed him away, turning around to a non-existent audience, her movements wild, lost. Hurt.

Hotch approached her, throwing his arms around her from the back. Holding her as she moved violently, trying to get away, to run to a safe place where no one would judge her.

He wouldn't let her. He held her as she gradually quieted down, until she was just sobbing heavily into his arms. He held her firmly, wishing there was something he could do to chase away the demons that haunted her. To make him _pay_ for what he had done to his colleague, his friend – to make him pay for what he still did to her.

Morgan had approached them, but he stood there rather helplessly. He wanted to hug, to comfort her, but he knew that two men around her were probably too much. So he stood there, waiting for any sign that told him he could do something.

Hotch continued holding her even as she had stopped fighting, one hand on her back, one hand on her hair, holding her head that was pressed against his chest. It was a rather awkward position for a team leader and his subordinate, but now, he reminded himself, they weren't that. She was someone who needed comfort and he was giving it to her, letting her know people cared for her, people were willing to go through this with her. She wasn't alone, and she needed to finally realize that.

--

Eventually JJ pushed herself away from him, embarrassed. Her eyes were read and traces of tears were on her cheeks.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, looking at the ground. Morgan finally came closer to them, and he lifted JJ's chin. "Girl, you've got nothing to be sorry for," he gently told her. "Nothing, you understand?"

JJ nodded her head. It wasn't much, but it was a reaction and it was enough for him at the moment. "Come on, we've got to get inside," he said, and together they walked back into the police station.

--

As soon as they entered the room, Emily recognized what had happened. She didn't think about what to do – her maternal instinct simply took over and she rushed to JJ, engulfing her in a big hug that surprised everyone, including herself.

Garcia watched as well, slightly amused. Usually she was the one who was giving out the hugs.

However, the larger part of her was worried. The scene seemed to confirm her exact thoughts.

Morgan had been right. Her girl **had** had a bad past, full of pain and abuse. It was the last thing she'd expected from sweet, funny JJ, her best friend. She didn't understand why that same JJ had thought she couldn't tell her. Did she really think she, that the team they would turn her down? Turn their back on her for something she had no fault in? It was ridiculous: yet, Garcia reminded herself, they had encountered stranger things.

When Emily had let go of JJ, she looked around, embarrassed at being the centre of attention. She didn't know what to say: what **did** you say during moments like these?

Her problem was solved when John walked in and started talking, apparently oblivious to the atmosphere in the room.

"We got a lead," he said to them all, his face grim but satisfied as well. "Seems he wasn't so careful this time – they found some sperm on her shirt. It's in an unusual place: that's why they didn't pick it up earlier."

"Have you identified him?" Hotch asked him, suddenly all business-like again.

"He's not in our database," John replied, and his face fell. "But at least we've got **something** now."

Hotch nodded. Then he turned back to his team. "JJ, I want you to stay with Garcia for the moment, go further into the victim's history. There's got to be **some** connection." Garcia nodded firmly, glad to get some time with her friend. They needed to talk, she needed to know more details – even if JJ wasn't willing to provide them. She'd just be there for her.

"Morgan and Prentiss, you go talk with some of the prostitutes on the streets, see if they know someone who looks like the man Kathleen drew. Reid and I will work from here."

Everyone left for their respective job. JJ followed Garcia to her room, aware of the tension that was between her and her friend. She could've known it was coming – she'd feel the same if it was her.

As soon as Garcia had started the deeper background search, she turned around to JJ, who saw that it wasn't anger in her eyes, but compassion and sympathy.

"Yes, I'm sorry I didn't tell you," she started before Garcia could ask anything. "And yes, I know I should and could have told you before."

Garcia was taken aback, slightly amazed that she was so predictable but glad JJ had found some of her humour back. She grew serious again when she remembered what it exactly was about.

"Can I say something and you promise you won't interrupt me?" she asked JJ, who nodded apprehensively.

"I think you're incredibly brave," she started, continuing when she saw JJ's surprised look. "And I'm not just saying that 'cause I'm supposed to. You know, facing what you did –I don't know half of it but I can't even imagine how horrible it must've been–, living with it for years and carrying this all by yourself. I'm not saying it's good, but it's definitely brave."

When she had ended her little monologue, JJ was staring at her. "I couldn't tell," she finally said, surprised to find that the words came to her rather easily. "He threatened to do things, I couldn't let him do that."

"What'd he threaten you with?" Garcia inquired.

"Not me, my sister… He said that if I ever told anyone he'd do the same to her. I never told anyone, it just stuck with me." She looked at Garcia with pleading eyes. "You've no idea how hard it's been, I've wanted to talk so often, with you, with Emily, with anyone… But I couldn't, I just couldn't, it hurt too much…" It felt good finally voicing what had been going through her mind for weeks now.

Garcia moved forward and grabbed JJ's hand, but she wasn't done talking yet.

"Everyone always says I am strong, but I'm not. You know what happened when I left him?"

"You left him?" Garcia asked, shocked. Apparently she didn't know everything.

"I ran away, and I left her there for him, unprotected, vulnerable…" She didn't cry, but her voice was trembling. "It's my fault another life is destroyed."

"It's not," Garcia told her firmly. "He did this, not you. You couldn't have lived like that forever, you'd have died. You did the right thing."

JJ listened to her words, recognizing them from what other people had said to her. Her logic told her they were right, but her heart didn't want to listen to it: she still felt responsible. She'd always feel responsible, no matter how many people said so otherwise, no matter how often it was proven to her that it wasn't her fault.

"I have to go and write for the press conference," she said quickly, feeling uncomfortable with opening up so much.

Garcia grinned. "I don't think you have to, honey. Hotch and Derek sure looked busy."

"They're writing my speech?" JJ asked, looking at her.

"Uhu," Garcia confirmed. "Guess they figured you need some girly time."

"I don't," JJ said shortly. "No offence, Pen, but I'm not really in the mood for gossiping."

"Who's talking about gossiping?" Garcia asked in mock offence. Then she smiled. "Good idea, though. You need to get out. Maybe we can go out tonight, just the girls?"

JJ looked at her, and Garcia was shocked to see tears forming in her eyes. She knew what her friend was thinking about, and added: "Not all men are evil. Besides, you don't have to do **anything** if you don't want to."

"I know," JJ whispered, and Garcia simply squeezed her hand. "But I couldn't –can't– trust men. No one outside the team. When I'm at parties, or we go out or something, I see all these men and I wonder how many of them have been abused. How many will become abusers. How much pain they will cause…" her voice faltered.

Garcia's heart went out to her friend, looking so broken and sad. She wanted to make sure the man who did this to her disappeared into hell. Before she could say anything, however, the computer beeped. She registered it, but didn't look up, keeping her eyes on JJ's.

"Your search has ended," JJ informed her, trying to hide her mood.

"I know," Garcia said softly, before adding: "We'll protect you against them, against the bad ones." She saw JJ nod, and decided there had been enough sadness for today. "So, tell me, have you also had any **good** experience with someone of the male population?"

JJ cringed at the abrupt change of subject, but she was glad for it. She thought about it…

No one at Horizon had been bad to her, apart from David maybe, but he had been bad to everyone.

Auggie and Ezra had been kind to her, in the way teenagers were to each other. Their shared traits though, the reasons why they all were there, had added an extra dimension to the friendship, and she had seen them both at their worst.

And Scott… she sighed as she thought of him.

Garcia, not missing the sigh, smiled widely. "Okay, now I know it's good. Just wait a sec," she said, turning back to the computer. After all, there was still a case to solve, despite the personal drama.

"Three of the vics went to Glenmill high school," she read out loud. "And four others all went to Albertine High." She frowned. "You think he may be a teacher there or something?"

"It's possible," JJ replied, already standing up to find Hotch. "We found a connection," she said as soon as she located Hotch. "Three of the victims went to one school together, and four others went to another school together."

"Couldn't that just be a coincidence?" Reid asked, frowning.

"It could be, but they were also all in the same class," Garcia said from behind her.

"A teacher taking revenge?" Reid muttered, and Hotch nodded. "Do these two groups have something in common? Teacher, mentor?"

"I don't know," Garcia said, frustrated, and she ran back into the computer room. Everyone followed her.

"They shared a teacher, Daniel Adams," she told them as soon as they entered. "He went from Glenmill to Albertine after five years."

"Can you pull up his record?" Hotch asked her. Garcia smiled.

"Already done, honey," she told him. A record with a photo of a man with dirty blond hair appeared on the screen. "Daniel Adams, 39, married, clean record," Garcia summarized.

"Does he still teach?" Morgan inquired.

"No," Garcia shook her head. "He stopped teaching seven years ago. He works at the court house now."

* * *

**_Anyone who is still looking for a case-fic after this chapter, and is actually focused on that: my whole unsub story is utterly unbelievable and_** **_I just KNOW there are mistakes._** **_I just can't be bothered to actually check it. I apologize, and ask you to look beyond it..._**

I realize the scene with Hotch and JJ is similar to that in Higher Ground, and it's also what I had in mind. Hope that didn't make me a copycat or something.


	22. Talking, part 2

**_Ok, prepare, 'cause this is going to be a pretty long Author's Notes.  
First of all, thanks for all the wonderful reviews. Since the story is now at its climax, with everyone finding out, it's great to read what people think about it. I'm glad y'all enjoy it! _**

**_Second, I am sorry I am so late with updating. Almost a month! On the other hand, this is the longest story I have ever written (fifty-three pages in Word now. I mean, the longest story before that was maybe seven pages long, and not half as popular and interesting). I could say I have been too busy, but that wouldn't be the whole truth. I have been busy, with tests every day and homework to occupy me if I didn't have any tests (I actually have one tomorrow. Maybe I should start learning...). But I've also had to take care of some depressed friends (I'm not the person to say no to that. How could I after writing this fanfic?) and a pretty hectic household. Plus, the date where I'm going to undertake the biggest journey I've ever made is coming closer ... Ok, that may sound too dramatic, but two weeks in America is really, really exotic for me. And I am leaving in less than two weeks, so I have to prepare for that, too.  
And, the last point, I need to be in the right mood. I was kind of stuck at a difficult point, and just wrote little pieces. But now at least I can present you this chapter!_**

To remind you all: JJ freaked out and Hotch comforted her, think along the lines of the great scene where Peter comforts Shelby during the hike (I kind of based this scene upon that one). JJ kind-of-talked to Garcia and they found the unsub, Daniel Adams. 

**_Now I will stop babbling and hopefully you will start enjoying this chapter!_**

* * *

It was instantly clear to all of them that Daniel Adams was the unsub. Emily, Hotch and Morgan went to his home to arrest him. JJ could not do anything until they had a confession, so she waited aimlessly for the others to return. She consciously stayed away from Garcia and instead talked to Reid, a conversation that was mostly meant to pass time. She knew that Reid wouldn't pressure her to talk more if she didn't want to. It was just something he did, just like the fact that he always wore two different socks.

She looked up immediately when she heard the sudden silence that usually followed when a team entered with the unsub. And indeed, she saw Hotch, Em and Morgan entering with the guy who had caused all of this. JJ was surprised by the surge of anger that went through her. She was glad to see that the team wasn't very easy on him, either. Even from this distance, she could see the look of pain on Adams' face, and couldn't help but feel satisfied.

When they passed her, he took her in with an approving look, and she gave him the dirtiest glance she could muster. He didn't wince, but she could see in his eyes he had understood the sign.

She sighed when he was out of hearing range. It was over. The unsub was caught, now the healing process could start. It would take a long time for the women to accept what happened to them, but JJ knew it would never really go away. She wanted to help these women, but knew she couldn't. She was a stranger, an agent and someone they wouldn't easily trust. Friends and family would be more helpful, and JJ could only wish that their families would be more supportive than her own had been.

_But she had the others_, she thought. Her unofficial family. First Peter and Sophie, and now the team. She didn't know whether it was normal for teams to be so close, so much like a family, but she enjoyed it. They all needed people who understood them at times, who understood the feelings and their passion for their jobs.

Lost in her thoughts, she hadn't noticed Emily coming back from bringing in the unsub. The brunette watched JJ for a while, noticing she looked more relaxed now that the secret was out. Nothing concrete had been said, but they all knew what it meant. She was the only one who knew the details, even if she suspected JJ still hadn't told her everything.

It didn't matter. If JJ wanted to tell her the rest, she would be there for her. If she didn't, she would be there for her, too.

She couldn't imagine going through what her friend had gone through, and surviving the way she had. Among all the other feelings she had, pride and admiration certainly were two of them.

When JJ straightened up, they were both pulled out of their thoughts.

"Hey," Emily said softly, sitting down at the desk. She didn't ask whether JJ was okay, because she already knew the answer to that. Besides, it was a question you could get sick of if heard too often.

"You feeling better now?" she finally asked, cringing inwardly at the childish sound of her words.

JJ didn't mind. Glancing up, she smiled at Emily. "Better," she confirmed, and Emily nodded gratefully. She did notice the confused look in JJ's eyes, though, and knew that not all was well now, that the team knowing didn't solve the problems. The nightmares wouldn't go away, and Emily had had her fair share of experience in that particular field.

She lightly squeezed JJ's shoulder, aware that Reid was in the room as well and that he was confused by their level of intimacy. "It'll get better," she said softly, hoping her words would come true some day.

JJ merely nodded, not able to find the right words to say to Emily. Instead, she settled for a smile and a look she hoped said everything.

They were interrupted by a very excited Penelope, who was walking straight towards them. "Exactly the ones I was looking for," she said, smiling mischievously. "The bad guy is caught, we're finished here and I'm dying to know who you were thinking of earlier, Jay," she said, winking at JJ. Emily looked curiously between the two of them.

"Did I miss something?" she asked, her eyes on Garcia.

"You'll hear all about it later on," Garcia answered. "We're going out, just the girls," she then announced. JJ smiled ruefully.

"Pen, I told you, I'm not really in the mood -"

Garcia cut her off. "You don't have to be, we're just going to enjoy a quiet time without the men hovering over us," she said. "No offence, genius," she said to the other occupant in the room. "But sometimes we girls need some time on our own." She grabbed Emily by her elbow, determined to make this a pleasant afternoon for her friends.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," Emily muttered, surrendering. She wasn't sure if it was a good idea to have JJ out in the open like that, but she seemed to have no other choice.

JJ followed her, sensing that she needed to someday. She couldn't hide for the rest of her life. Her fear was rather illogical and rationally, she knew that what happened to her didn't change anything about the good and bad guys out there, just her view of them.

They ended up at a small place, quite far away from the police station to make sure they wouldn't run into anyone they knew. JJ wasn't sure she liked the way Garcia treated this 'girl time'. It reminded her too much of secrecy, and secrecy had never been good for her.

Sitting down in a corner, JJ ordered a soda and waited for the others, particularly Garcia, to start the questioning.

"So, what were you talking about earlier?" Emily demanded, looking at Garcia.

"Oh, that," Garcia said, laughing innocently. "Well, I asked JJ whether there had been any good males in her life, and she just kind of… dreamed off."

"I'll take that as a good sign," Emily laughed. She turned to JJ. "Well?"

"Aren't you curious," JJ said light-heartedly.

"Oh, come on," Garcia said. "We're just curious Jay, we want to know that not everything was bad back then."

This got JJ more serious. "He was at Horizon as well-" she started, but was interrupted by Garcia.

"Horizon?"

"Mount Horizon, school for 'socially disturbed adolescents'," JJ told her, the quotation marks clear in the air. "Basically a school for troubled teens."

"Okay," Garcia replied. Knowing that her friend went to such a school was disconcerting, but not a big surprise. She urged JJ to continue.

"I was… different, back then. He didn't like me, dated another girl, but they broke up and then we got together." She managed to say this quite emotionlessly, facts were easier to talk about than emotions.

"What was he there for?" Garcia asked curiously. Emily looked at her for asking such a blunt question, but JJ didn't show any reaction.

"His, his stepmother… she seduced him," JJ replied, thinking back to that horrible woman. When she had found out, she had wanted to throttle Elaine for doing that to Scott. It had been hard, especially when nobody knew about her.

Garcia looked at Emily and could see in her eyes that she was thinking the exact same thing. _Similar history_…

"He didn't know," JJ told them, picking up on the unsaid thought. "Nobody knew."

This wasn't what Garcia had originally planned for. She had wanted to hear about the good parts of her friend's life, but she sensed that JJ needed to talk about everything. And that included the bad parts.

"How did he find out?" Emily asked, her voice gentle.

JJ gave a snort. "It's funny, really," she started. She was surprised by her willingness to talk, but figured it was okay. Besides, this wasn't anything bad.

"My stepfather, he got ill… then we went on a hike. Scott said something in group, saying that when he opened up people didn't talk to him anymore… He meant me. So I told him about Walt and then I ran, he followed me and he figured it out."

"What happened then?" Emily asked. It was hard to picture JJ like this, but she had to remind herself that at this point she wasn't JJ, she was Shelby, carrying everything on her own.

"I went crazy," JJ said trying to sound nonchalant. She was still acting.

"Destroyed half the camp before Peter stopped me." She remembered that day so well, but it hurt to talk about it. Peter had been her substitute for a father, and thought she'd never admitted it, he had been a great father to her.

"Who're all these people?" Garcia inquired, confused. Emily knew the names, but she didn't.

"Peter, he's the school leader," JJ replied. "Took a liking to the Cliffhangers. My group," she added when Garcia threw her another confused look. She smiled. "Eventually he married the Cliffhangers' counsellor."

"Hannah Bauer?" Emily threw in, remembering the warm woman from Detroit.

"The confidante?" Garcia added, excited to know something. "From Detroit? I knew there was something about you and her!"

JJ sighed. "She left," she stated shortly. "Sophie took her place."

Garcia nodded. "Were they any good?" she asked jokingly.

"The best," JJ replied earnestly, thinking back to the past. So many good times she'd had with her… with all of them. They had really become her family, though she had never told them so. She'd been so afraid… it was different now, but she could still remember it so well. How confused, how tempted she had sometimes been to just let Peter comfort her, just cry in his arms and not worrying for once. She'd done so, but she had never told. Never opened up…

After a respectful moment of silence, Emily gently turned back the conversation to the original topic. "So what happened with Scott?"

JJ was shaken out of her thoughts. It took her a moment to focus again.

"When he finally knew, he couldn't accept me."

"What?" Garcia nearly shouted. "Why? He'd been through the same himself!"

"No, not that," JJ said quickly. "No, I…"

This was the hardest part. Almost no one knew about her life on the streets. Even Emily, who had guessed so much, didn't know everything. But she owed her friends this much.

"I ran from home," she said, frowning. Her worst mistake. "Scott couldn't accept me for what happened after that."

"What happened?" Garcia asked, confused.

"I had to live on the streets…" JJ trailed off, hoping that Garcia would get the hint.

"Streets? But how- Oh," she said, her face falling. "I'm so sorry, Jay."

She bravely attempted a smile. "It's okay." Then she took a deep breath.

"When I went back to take care of him, I found out he'd broken his promise…"

Her mind flashed back to that horrible night when she'd been willing to kill someone, just to take away the pain of betrayal.

"What promise?" Garcia asked again, and Emily quietly told her. Garcia stared at JJ, speechless. How much her girl had gone through, all those things she'd never known about…

"I tried taking pills, I tried killing someone with a knife," JJ almost whispered. "Don't know whether I wanted to kill him or myself…"

Now it was Emily's turn to stare at JJ. She hadn't known this part… The urge to reach over and hug JJ was almost too big to resist, but because she was too far away she merely laid a hand on JJ's. It surprised her. When had she become so motherly?

"What happened after that?"

JJ smiled, suddenly triumphant. "I called the police."

"Good for you!" Garcia exclaimed. "Good for you, girl," she repeated, softer.

JJ nodded. "I went back to Horizon, and then I heard Jess had run… she turned up at Horizon."

She paused for a moment, trying to remember the exact events. Her joy over seeing her sister had been so large, so overwhelming it was her main memory of that night.

"When Jess told me… stuff, Scott was there. When she'd gone to the bathroom, he asked if it had been that way with me… but I'd never gotten the sign. I think then he understood."

Emily nodded, understanding. But since she knew there was no Scott in her life now, she knew something else must have happened after that.

"How did it end?" she asked, hoping that she sounded gentle enough.

JJ's face fell. Remembering what happened after Scott had finally accepting was so wonderful, without having to focus on all events afterwards. She sighed.

"It just didn't work out… We, we both wanted different things. It was better."

"That's the truth or that's what you tell yourself?" Garcia asked, watching her friend's face closely. JJ looked surprised.

"It's true," she insisted. "It's just… look, he was very big on football, he was gonna be famous –he is, actually–, it just wouldn't work out. With my history, my nights, my problems. He deserves someone clean."

Emily noticed the present tense, but filed it away for later. There was something else to deal with.

"Sweetie, I know you've heard this before but you're not 'dirty', even if you still feel like it. You must understand that, okay? You're not unworthy of some man just because all this happened to you. It's just – it's not true."

The slight hesitation made JJ look up. Hesitating wasn't something Emily Prentiss often included in her speech.

Emily looked at her sheepishly, but determined. "Everybody has his or her doubts, JJ." She paused for a moment. "And that includes me."

* * *

**_Pam pam pam...  
Just wanted to have this moment where she told her friends. Female friends at that. I mean, I think it's always different when a woman talks about something like this to a man or to a woman.  
So what do you think?_**


	23. Conversations

**_OK, this'll be a long Author's Note. Prepare!  
So I'm back from the USA. It was really great, I had a wonderful time. If you want to know anything else, please PM me because this space isn't meant for a travel review.  
I've got a week of homework to catch up on, but because I am stupid I left most of my books at home, I only have those I need to learn for at home. (By the way, after seeing how much homework the American students had (though that was an extreme school, private, really rich and probably very ambitious): kudos to all you who stay up till 1 to finish homework! Don't know how many of you actually do that, but my American host did, and I was so amazed that she manages to do so well at school. And so sad that she was still pushed to do even better. Anyway, moving on.)  
Combine the books-at-school with no-Internet and you get free time. So I finally finished this chapter. Now, the ending may be very weird because of the facts I wrote the rest of the chapter at least two weeks ago and because I'm experiencing a jetlag. But anyway, I am finished, and I guess that's what really matters right now._**

**_101 reviews! Of the last chapter, everyone after the 18th of October I don't know who I've already sent a reply to. But thank you, all of you! I'm so happy I have over a 100 reviews. Yay!_**

Now, I have more to say but I'll do that after the actualy story, because... well, you'll see.  
Enjoy!

They returned to the police station shortly after that. JJ just wanted to go home, take a deliciously hot bath, find some chocolate and eat it in front of the TV. But since they weren't leaving yet, not before they'd gotten a full confession and she could have a press conference, she settled for the next best thing: a long, hot shower in her hotel room. Yes, it was in the middle of the day, but it wasn't like they had much to do anyway. They had agreed to meet back at the police station at 5 p.m.: until that time, they were free.

Emily and Garcia were just outside, reading or playing a game or whatever it was they did. JJ didn't care. All she cared about was the soothing feeling of water cascading around her.

It had been a long time since she'd been this emotional. The last days, the last weeks had been an emotional turmoil for her. She wasn't quite used to the feel of it yet.

Everybody knew now. Everyone who mattered to her, anyway. JJ didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing. Right now, she did not know what to think, let alone what to believe – everything she had held onto for so many years had fallen apart, her carefully built façade had crumbled down and she wasn't sure everybody was going to like the new person they saw.

She only realized how long she'd been in the shower when her feet started to hurt from where she stood. Sighing, she turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around her. In a moment, she was going to have to go back to the police station for a general meeting.

She took a deep breath. She was going to be fine, really – she could trust the team, she knew they trusted her and she knew they'd understand. Well, maybe they wouldn't understand completely, but they would understand more than most people would. It was going to be okay.

Garcia and Emily waited for her to finish before going to the police station together, idly chatting about everything from sleeping hours to computers. JJ found herself enjoying the uncomplicated talk, wishing the rest of the team would stop walking on eggshells around her. The best way to forget was to not be reminded.

She sat down in the large room that was still theirs, but not after getting some coffee. Drinking it, she chatted with Emily and waited for Hotch to start the meeting.

"Daniel Adams has confessed," he started, and JJ exhaled in relief.

"That's great," Emily said, voicing her thoughts. "Do we know what the stressor was?"

"I'm looking into his history right now," Garcia said, typing away on the laptop she'd brought with her. It was quiet for a moment, then Garcia looked up.

"His mother died when he was six. Father remarried another woman a year later, one Thanusha Nilandilam." Garcia struggled with the name.

"That's a Tamil name," Emily said, surprised. "What he said – it was Tamil! I don't know why I didn't recognize it before."

"What was it again?" Morgan asked, trying to remember. Languages never were his thing.

"It sounded like 'nanpaly vangirayn'," Reid reminded him. He turned to Emily. "Do you speak Tamil?"

Emily shook her head thoughtfully. "But I've had a friend once… 'naan' means 'I', but that's about all I know. I could call her," she added. "I'm sure I have her number **some**where…"

"I've got a Tamil e-mail buddy," Garcia announced. "I'll ask him."

"Do it," Hotch ordered. "Even though this case is solved, it would be good to know what was so important he kept repeating it."

"On it," Garcia nodded, and she continued typing.

"So if he's been abused himself, it must have been that Tamil woman," Morgan summarised.

"According to Navin, my Tamil buddy, it means something like 'I am taking revenge'," Garcia said from behind her laptop. "It's not very well pronounced though."

"That's because it wasn't his first language," Emily said, and they all nodded.

"Another abused one that became an abuser," Morgan thought out loud. "And here I was thinking that was rare."

"It's not as uncommon as you would think for an abused to become an abuser," Reid said, enthusiastic as always when he could contribute something useful. "The abusing of another person gives the abused a feeling of control he or she has lacked in childhood. In fact, statistically, seventy-three percent-" but he stopped as he noticed that JJ had stood up and was staring at him icily. The others were looking at JJ, who didn't break her cold glance at Reid.

"We are not statistics," she finally said through clenched teeth. The she turned around and stalked off.

Emily stood up to follow her, but Morgan held out his hand and stopped her. "I got it," he said. Understanding dawned in Emily's eyes and she nodded and sat down again. Morgan quickly followed JJ, who was practically running away.

He caught up with her as she slid down against the wall outside of the police station. Morgan recognized it as the place where she'd broken down before, where Hotch had held and comforted her. Apparently, unconsciously, she had assumed it was a safe place.

He slid down next to her, cautiously brushing her shoulder to let her know he was there. She didn't even look up.

"How do you do it?" she asked in a low voice. "How do you cope with it?"

He looked down at her, contemplating on an answer. "We're saving others," he finally said, feeling that these words wouldn't be enough. "Maybe we couldn't save ourselves, but we can save others."

She nodded, still looking down. "I thought it would get easier," she whispered.

"I know. I thought so too." He paused for a moment. "It doesn't."

JJ laid her head on his shoulder and he didn't object, merely put an arm around her.

"We're here for you," he whispered into her hair. "We'll pull through this together." He knew it wasn't enough to know that, he knew that she already knew, but he said it anyway.

"What was it like… after they knew?" JJ asked, a slightly cautious tone to her voice. Morgan wasn't surprised by her question.

"Better than I'd ever thought," he answered, trying to ease her. "They were so supportive."

"They were?" she asked. She'd never seen anyone talk to him about it.

"Hotch and Gideon, mostly," Morgan admitted. "And Garcia," he added, thinking back to his girl.

He could practically feel her smile. He squeezed her arm, then let go. "And if they, or anyone else, ever hurts you, I'll be there to beat 'em up," he said roughly. JJ smiled again.

"Where were you in my past?" she said lightly, but Morgan heard the serious undertone.

"You wanna talk about it?" he asked her, and she stayed silent for a moment.

"I don't know," she finally answered slowly. She was feeling more at ease with Morgan than she'd felt in a long time, and it made her think more clearly. It reminded her of some of her moments with Daisy. "It won't be any fun."

"Life isn't only fun," he reminded her, and she nodded.

After another silence, she said, almost whispering: "Emily and Garcia are great, trying to cheer me up and help me… but they just don't know what it's like. And that's good… I mean, it's always good, but it's just not the same."

He nodded: he knew exactly what she meant. "I know," he said to her. "But sometimes that's good too."

She glanced up and nodded. "It's just…" she trailed off. Then she stood up resolutely. "Forget it, this is stupid."

Morgan stood up too. "Hey," he said effectively, and she stopped dead in her tracks. "It's never stupid, okay?"

Their eyes incidentally locked and something seemed to click in JJ's mind.

"I'm bringing it all back up to you," she said softly, and Morgan's eyes hardened.

"It comes back up every night, JJ. That's not your fault."

JJ looked down, ashamed. "They suck."

"They do," he agreed, both knowing what they were talking about. "But it's a good sign. Means you're processing."

She nodded quickly, then looked up and searched his eyes. "Shall we get back in?" she asked, rubbing her arms. "It's pretty cold out here."

"Sure," he said, and together they walked back inside. Just before they entered their room again, JJ turned around to Morgan. "Thanks," she said to him.

"Anytime," he replied, smiling.

"If there's ever anything I can do…"

"I know, that's the kind of girl you are. Thanks."

JJ nodded and they walked back in, carefully ignoring the looks Hotch and particularly Emily were shooting them.

"So can I have my press conference now?" she asked directly to Hotch, deliberately keeping her eyes on him.

"You can. Even if we have the confession, it will be good for them to know there is help and that there are other people who have gone through the same."

JJ wondered if he was giving her a secret message. Knowing Hotch, he probably was, but he was too discrete to just say it. Not wanting to take a risk, she simply nodded and left the room to work on the text and finally have the conference. She was looking forward to the moment she could put this case behind her.

That evening, JJ was so exhausted she could hardly think straight. The press conference had gone well, though she had felt a bit uncomfortable with all the cameras on her. Not for the first time she wondered whether anyone recognized her. Wouldn't there be anyone that would see beyond Jennifer Jareau and recognize Shelby Merrick?

She had thought so often about finding them, calling them and just hearing their voice, knowing they were okay. She knew nothing about them, had stayed out of touch ever since she had changed her name. Even Jess didn't know where she was. She regretted that decision now, and she had been thinking about it ever since she'd met Hannah again.

The reward had been better than the hiding. Shouldn't she try it again, maybe with Peter, Daisy or possibly even Scott?

Lost in thought, she could not get to sleep. She heard Emily's soft snoring and Garcia's light breathing, indicating both were sleeping peacefully. They wouldn't miss her.

As quiet as possible she slipped out of bed and pulled on a sweater, because despite the turned up heating it was still quite cold.

Opening the door, she walked into the hallway, glancing back once to the sleeping forms of her two colleagues. Reassured, she closed the door and went to the lobby, knowing from experience there would be a nice log fire burning.

The light was soft, and in the semi-darkness she could see that someone was already occupying the cosy couch, someone she thought looked a lot like Spencer Reid.

She tried to walk back, praying he hadn't seen or heard her. She wasn't ready for this conversation.

But evidently he _had_ heard her, because his voice rang out through the darkness. "JJ? What are you doing here?"

"I could ask the same," she shot back, coming a bit closer. She was still cold, and the warmth of the fire was appealing.

"Couldn't sleep," he mumbled, and JJ smiled slightly, amused by him giving in first.

"Me neither," she said to him, moving closer to the fire but still standing straight.

They were silent for a moment. Then Reid spoke. "JJ? I'm sorry about telling you the statistics. I did not think it through."

"I know you didn't," JJ replied. "It's just how you get when you talk like that."

"I didn't mean to attack you," Reid added hastily. "I mean, obviously I wasn't aware I was offending you, but I really didn't mean to. I would never try to offend you. Not that I would try to offend anyone else, I just kind of forgot in the spur of –"

"Hey," JJ said, stopping his words. She sat down on the thick carpet, close to the fire. "I just freaked out, okay? Not your fault."

"Thanks," Reid said, his face visibly relaxing. "I was worried we would end up fighting, and I really don't want to fight with you."

"Because I'll win?" JJ teased. She didn't know where her attitude came from; she just knew she didn't want to see Reid this upset.

"Technically, fighting isn't about winning," Reid started. "People most often fight about disagreements, in which a mutual agreement is reached. Almost never does one party 'win' over another."

JJ simply smiled, glad to have the old Reid back. Spence was the last person she wanted to fight with. There was a connection between them, something she hadn't actively explored but she did feel it. Before, she had discarded it as a brother/sister relationship, but lately, before all the drama had started, she had found herself wondering if it was only that. The way she sometimes thought about him was disconcerting to say the least. A crush on a colleague was the last thing she could use: even if they technically weren't part of the same team, she _was_ emotionally and it would most likely mess up the family dynamics the team had.

Shaking her head to clear it, she stood up and came over to sit on the couch, which was a lot more comfortable than the floor.

"There'll be more moments like that," she predicted. "I apologize in advance."

"It's not your fault," Reid shrugged. "Why would you apologize?"

"You don't see Morgan lashing out like that," JJ answered. "I need to be like him."

"Morgan's had a lot more team to deal with us knowing. He hasn't been through exactly the same. You don't have the same personalities. Everyone deals with this differently, I'm sure everyone will understand."

JJ smiled. He was making an awkward attempt to comfort her, and it was cute to see. She moved closer to him, until they were almost thigh to thigh, trying to avoid the bumpy places of the couch. She didn't give herself time to think what her position meant, determined to not have her thoughts spoil this moment. Instead, she turned to look at Reid and saw him staring ahead, lost in his own world.

"Why couldn't you sleep?" she asked him.

"My mind wouldn't shut off," he answered, and she nodded understandingly. She had trouble with that sometimes too, and she could imagine how much worse it could be with an eidetic mind like his.

"Want to talk about something?" She smiled inwardly at the reversed role. Lately, everyone had been asking her if she wanted to talk, had been checking her. It felt good to be able to give some of that care back.

"Not really," he mumbled. "I'm not the one whose past has recently been discovered."

JJ decided to ignore that last comment. "Doesn't mean there's nothing you don't wanna talk about." She laid her head on his shoulder, simply too tired to keep it up straight. If Reid was surprised, he didn't show it.

"This job just doesn't give you very comfortable dreams, does it?" he said lightly, and again she understood him. She nodded and closed her eyes.

A couple of minutes later, she was fast asleep. Reid wasn't, and he had watched her ever since he knew she wouldn't wake up anytime soon.

He watched the steady rise and fall of her chest and knew she was having a good dream, one that didn't center around an unsub, around death and abuse.

But he needed to get her back to her room. If she stayed here, she'd have a back ache tomorrow, not to mention some explaining to do. So despite his own wishes, he lifted her in his arms. He wasn't weak, despite Morgan's teasing.

She weighed almost nothing. Reid carried her up the stairs to the room she shared with Emily and Garcia, hoping they hadn't woken up and he'd have to explain what just happened. It felt

like something that belonged to her and him, a promise of something more he wanted to keep private for now.

When he opened the door he discovered they were both still asleep. Gratefully he located JJ's bed and lay her down on it, careful to avoid her hair getting stuck anywhere.

He pulled the blanket over her and just watched her. She looked so beautiful like this, simply sleeping. He would never get tired of just watching her. He didn't know when it had happened, didn't know what to do about it, but for now he would just enjoy this opportunity.

Eventually he turned around and walked out of the room quietly, slipping into his own room he shared with the other men. They hadn't woken up either, despite Morgan's light sleeping. Maybe he was tired too.

He slept peacefully that night, knowing something had changed, knowing that maybe JJ would finally be able to sleep better at night.

* * *

**_Yeah, that's it... I put in the Morgan/JJ piece, finally, and I think it kind of turned out well.  
You're probably all (well, most of you anyway) surprised by the Reid/JJ turn this story took. Some people suggested it and I thought, why not? It was hard to find a way to put it into the story, and I'm not entirely satisfied (also because I know Morgan would know that many abused turn into abusers. I mean, even I know that), but anyway.  
Now, I'm not sure I want to continue it. So please tell me whether you want Reid/JJ, or not. Personally, I think it wouldn't fit very well into this story. I might make a sequel, but for some reason, maybe due to all of the fanfics I've been reading, Reid/JJ doesn't really warm up to me. Nor does JJ/Hotch, for that matter. JJ/Morgan a bit more but that'd be too cliched for this story, two abused getting together. It wouldn't be much 'fun'._**

And as for the rest of this story, I have no idea. None whatsoever. I've had all the conversations I wanted to have, and though I have some ideas, I think they'd fit better into a whole new story. I COULD continue on this story (and the amount of reviews would be awesome then), but I feel like it would a separate story.  
So if you have any ideas for the rest of this story, tell me and I'll consider it. The Reid/JJ thing was an idea of Sue1313 (according to my notes, anyway) and the Morgan/JJ bonding moment came from Ghostwriter, though that idea was somewhere in my mind too. So thank you guys!

**_Ok, rounding up. I apologize for the bad title of this chapter and I really hope that you'll give me some ideas. Thank you (got that from the USA. Everybody always says thank you there).  
I might not use an idea, and if I won't, I'll finish this story because I do still have something to say. So the deadline, so to speak, would be... a week, I guess. I'll see_**

**_Oh, and one last thing (I just can't seem to stop, can I?). I just re-read all the reviews, and I got so happy because y'all (another southern word :D) say I'm such a good writer. Really. You have no idea how much that means to me. _**

* * *


	24. Author's Notes

**_So, as promised, here's my Author's Notes. I guess that from the title you can understand I won't continue this particular story.  
I've had some suggestions as to what to do next, and all of them said that the way this fic ended was good. I am, however, going to continue on another story, a sequel if you will. I just don't know when I will start that, because I have a lot of things to do at the moment. I already have the idea for the sequel, I have part of the first chapter and parts of other chapters, but I first need to think it through...  
It's also safe to say I won't go into the Reid/JJ alley. I never liked that shipping to begin with (don't ask me why) and in this story I think JJ's got enough to deal with without Reid. Maybe there will be some romance, but I'm not so sure about all that yet._**

**_Anyway, back to this story.  
I can't believe how long this has become. I know that by now you'll be pretty tired of hearing this every time, but this baby is 23 chapters long. Over 31,000 words. That's the longest I have EVER written. And all revolving around 1 theme... And with so many reviews... It's just amazing.  
I want to thank you all who read and reviewed this so much. It's quite possible that without y'all I wouldn't have gotten this far. In fact. I'm kinda sure of it. The review boosted me when I felt down and convinced me to keep writing to keep y'all satisfied. So that's good, and I'd say don't stop that. With any writer, because I'm sure more writers feel like this._**

**_Two more things now. While writing this story, I came across some songs and poems that seemed to fit Shelby and the story of abuse so well. I wanted to keep them for now, so here they are: _**

_Now, she's looking in the mirror  
At a lovely woman face  
No more frightened little girl  
Like she's gone without a trace  
Still she leaves the light  
Burning in the hall  
It's hard to sleep at all_

'Till she crawls up in her bed  
Acting quiet as a mouse  
Deep inside she's listening  
For a creaking in the house  
But no one's left to harm her  
She's finally safe and sound  
There's a peace she's found  
**Amy Grant - Ask me**

_**That song is amazing. I suggest it to everyone. It helped me to get 'in the mood' sometimes, along with other songs, to continue writing this - those songs have so much feeling in them, it's just so sad... And so sad it still happens. This is just a story, but think of all the people who suffer(ed) from abuse in real life... I can't imagine what it's like going through, and I want to offer my support to every single person out there who thinks they can't continue anymore. Don't give up.**_

**_-xxx- Diantha_**

_"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars."  
**-Philosopher Kahlil Gibran**_


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